August 21, 2019
Book: Celebrating
Guidance: Emotional contentment, a card of appreciation and gratitude
Journaling
I chose this card because it was so nice to have dinner with Scott and to just hang out and talk about all that is going on in life. It's nice to have people in my life who understand me and who get why I behave the way I do. We talked a lot about why I'm upset and he asked me a very deep question when he asked me why I thought there was going to be a bad outcome. I said that the Brock Turner case was on my mind and that I was upset because I was being asked to trust 12 people to make a decision. However, he reminded me that there was a possibility that it could go well.
At the end of the day, a lot of what I'm feeling is powerlessness and it's not something that I'm comfortable with. I don't like to not be in control and there are a lot of areas in my life where I am in control and where I get to drive what happens. However, there are also situations where I have to trust others and those situations make me very uncomfortable. When I'm put in a position of being asked to trust someone, I get upset and I get defensive, angry, afraid, etc. I start lashing out at even the people who want to help me because I am afraid. However, when I finally start hurting enough or when I have a moment of clarity, I remember that I don't have to trust everyone. I have to trust my guides. I have to turn it over to them and trust them to do the right thing. Once I do that it is as if all the anger is out of me and I've deflated. Then I can be filled back up with good things.
What's interesting about this is that Scott pulled the seven of pentacles in the Vision Quest which is a card of depletion and not a card of waiting or harvest. Interestingly, I didn't think of it at the time but depletion is what I feel when I let all that anger and stress go. I feel as if all the negativity has escaped out of me and I feel like I am depleted, but in a good way. He also pulled the Shaman card and that is a card of power.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the good conversation with Darshan and his decision
I'm grateful for dinner with Scott
I'm grateful for leaving work on time
I'm grateful for staying at a different hotel than the team
I'm grateful for yummy Spanglish
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for fresh fruit
I'm grateful to have money in the bank
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June 22, 2019
First Impressions: Happiness, Joy as a family, sticking together
Book: Deep satisfaction that comes from finding your path in life, fulfillment, joys of familial love, simple pleasures of domestic life
Guidance: Take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones, open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you
Journaling
Today was a happy family day. We hung out together in the morning, then went and had dinner with Sean for Cam's birthday. We just had Jimmy John's but being together was nice. We also spent a lot of time playing with the doggos today and just hanging out with them. There was nothing big or bold that happened today, but it was a nice comfortable day. I'm learning that sometimes the best days or the days when we just enjoy each other's company and are there for each other. Cam had a meltdown today because she is having flashbacks and working through stuff, but because I was in a good head space, I was able to listen and be there for her. Just being there for someone else is such a powerful thing and to know that there are people there for me is very powerful. I might get really irritated with the kids sometimes, but I love them and I'm happy I'm able to provide for them.
After Seano got home from work, we had cake (again) and opened Cam's presents. She was so happy with what we got her and so grateful. I'm glad I can give my kids things that they want for presents and that they appreciate it. It isn't about having the money to buy expensive things, but it is taking the time to get the things that people want. I think that's key for me is truly having people listen and take the time to get things that matter. John never really listened to what people wanted and chose gifts that he thought people wanted. He also always had intense drama and every occasion ended up being around him.
It is just nice to have a calm and peaceful life. We don't always get along, but we are able to work through our issues instead of resorting to anger and hate. That's a nice place to be in.
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April 16, 2018
Deck: RWS
First Impressions: Emotional stability, peace, family harmony
Book: Happy, family, contentment, lasting happiness, perfect love, card of the heart's desire
Guidance: You have gained great joy from life
Journaling
I'm not sure what this card means for me as I'm not satisfied with my life and it feels empty and lonely. I mostly like my job, but am annoyed about certain people's attitudes. Joe pissed me off today. Why should we do training material when they are going with someone else for OCM. That is ludicrous. If they want all our materials, they can damn well pay for it. There are days I get so frustrated at work and I feel as if I'm swimming upstream. And I have to admit that there are days I wonder if it is even worth it.
Maybe this card is a reminder to keep the faith that I can have what I want. I just need to trust. Trust is so hard for me. I always assume that people have the worst intentions. Maybe I need to start trusting that people do have my best interests at heart.
Dearest Ones,
Please help me to open my heart and trust. Please help me to believe that people have good intentions instead of always assuming the worst.
Blessings, Raine
December 29, 2018 Review
Wow! I completely missed what this card was trying to tell me. It was telling me that I have an amazing family and that I am truly loved and that instead of focusing on what is wrong with my life, I should focus on the positives. I have been doing a lot better at doing that lately and I know that it is because I write down my gratitudes every day, I do a weekly recap, and I pull a card every day. I also know that a lot of it is due to the fact that I have been reading a lot of spiritual literature. I've been working to focus on the positives in life and in the world instead of getting weighed down by the negativity.
However, even though I am seeing the positive changes, I also know that I still obsess and I still spend a lot of time focused on the negative and on what is wrong with life. I need to let go of the negative and start really focusing on what's right in life. I need to let go of my anger and angst over John. What he does or does not do is really none of my business. I need to let go and let him succeed or fail on his own. I also have to trust that I have provided Sean with as much guidance as I possible can and that he will ask for help and guidance if he needs it. It is hard to let go, but that's really what I need to do in order to be happy in my own life.
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April 20, 2017
First Impressions: Family, enjoyment
Book: Celebrate life's rewards, unconditional joy, being grateful for the good stuff, loving unconditionally
Guidance: Do not lose yourself in the celebration, maintain inner equilibrium, learn new lessons through joy and bliss
Affirmation; I am grateful
Journaling
I love the ten of cups as it celebrates coming to fruition and having all the good stuff that life has to offer. The last few years have truly helped me to realize what love is and to open myself up to unconditional love.
April 22, 2017 Revisit
Love unconditionally. Accept imbalance. Accept being weak. Let people take care of you. Be vulnerable.
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December 2, 2016
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| Ten of Cups Gilded Tarot |
First Impressions: I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family. Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.
Book: Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally
Guidance: Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration
Journaling:
This card is such a confirmation of the work I've done. For the most part I am happy and content with my life. I do want someone to love, but I've been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc. The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean. Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad. I know I can't say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.
December 28, 2017
I hate it when I write something and put no context around it. I'm not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn't matter.
Book: Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally
Guidance: Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration
Journaling:
This card is such a confirmation of the work I've done. For the most part I am happy and content with my life. I do want someone to love, but I've been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc. The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean. Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad. I know I can't say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.
December 28, 2017
I hate it when I write something and put no context around it. I'm not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn't matter.
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May 13, 2016
Deck: Gaian Tarot
Card Name: Ten of Water, pulled reversed
First Impressions: Overshelmed by the world. Feeling as if I am constantly battling and life is incredibly difficult. Feeling overwhelmed. Death versus life seems front and center.
Book: Overwhelmed by emotion an feeling like a martyer.
Journaling
I am feeling like a martyer as I feel likie I give and give and give and get nothing in return. It seems as if the kids just take, take, take, and I don't know how to stop it. I need to find a way to set clear boundaries for them. I also know that I want life to be settled now and that isn't realistic. I need to let life take its course. In the scope of things, I haven't been moved all that long and I just need to trust the universe.
January 8, 2022 Revisit
When I am realistic about when I wrote this, I realize that it was written about six months after we had moved and the kids still weren't settled yet. When we moved, I had a job that I kept but the kids had to settle in, find jobs, etc. It wasn't really realistic to expect them to be settled and in a place where they could contribute. Things are much better now and although I still feel like I do a lot of heavy lifting, that's changing.
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