January 21, 2022
Journaling:
This is an appropriate card for me today as I'm feeling super defensive and attacked. It feels as if the terrible twosome gets to be as horrible as possible, but anytime I say anything nasty about them, I'm the bad guy. However, at the end of the day I just got a good review and I always deliver so those two can just suck it. I know that the boy is just a worthless little twit who thinks he knows more than he does and the girl just wants to impress people with how wonderful she is when really she is an idiot.
What I need to remember is that their being idiots is about them and not about me. If my boss is so weak willed that he listens to those two idiots, then that isn't someone that I want to work for and I will find another job as soon as I am vested in my retirement. I've switched jobs before so I can switch jobs again, I just have to let it go and just focus on doing my work and not on all the drama.
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December 29, 2021
First Impressions: Wisdom, punishment guided by wisdom, overseeing, strength
Book: Symbol for patience, perserverance, and judgement
Guidance: Loyalty, unwavering devotion, connection between heaven and earth
Journaling:
Griffins are guardians of rivers of gold and exhibit both wisdom and strength. This card is telling me to guard what is mine, but to use wisdom to do so. A griffin would have the wisdom to know if someone was truly a threat or not and I need to exhibit the same wisdom. This is an interesting reading for me because there are times when I do not truly use wisdom to determine if I am being threatened. In those instances, I go on the offensive and make sure someone knows not to mess with me, even if there is no real threat.
I've been doing that a lot at work as there is someone I view as a threat and I need to be incredibly defensive about everything she says and I am probably a lot meaner than I need to be. This is one of those instances where I am competing instead of collaborating. In my defense, I do have a broader range of experience than she does and she does a hell of a lot of annoying things (like not taking no for an answer), but I should take a step back and breathe before going on the attack.
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August 27, 2019
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Arthur, decisions, journeys
Book: Power and authority from divine right
Guidance: Cut though confusion by speaking the truth in a firm and fair way. Stand in the power of your divine right to follow your own mind.
Journaling:
I love the messaging around this as it is so through that being direct and speaking clearly without emotion really helps to cut through the BS. I have a client who gets into blaming us and trying to make us responsible for all their shortcomings. I have learned that I just need to pull my energy in and be very direct about what needs to be done. There is no room for emotion and for taking things personally. I have learned that when I take things personally and make it all about me, things generally go better than when I am able to take the emotion out of it and focus on the facts. The other lesson I learned from Ted is that instead of saying "you made me feel..." something I should just focus on I feel. As he said, there is no arguing with my feelings as people cannot tell me that I don't feel something and it is also difficult to discount facts. When I can approach things that way, I'm able to have much more productive conversations.
Sometimes it is really hard to open up and to own my feelings, but when I am able to have these hard conversations and admit how I am really feeling, my life is so much better. I'm learning that sometimes just saying what I am feeling helps me to work through the feelings. I realize that it is odd to be writing about feelings when writing about the King of Swords, but the message I cam getting is that the King of Swords can help us cut away that veil that prevents us from seeing and feeling our own feelings. We get so caught up in being afraid of our feelings or thinking that our feelings are not socially acceptable, that we hide them or stuff them down in a desperate attempt to not feel. However, when we can use the King of Swords to cut away the veil and let them out, we can speak our truth with clarity.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful that for the yummy Greek potatoes
I'm grateful I got to leave work in a timely manner
I'm grateful that the weather was clear
I'm grateful for the yummy hot fudge sundae
I'm grateful for the warm and snuggly bed
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July 10, 2018
First Impressions: Drive, taking action, communication
Book: Directly facing all who approach him, intelligent, reliable man in authority, power, strength, logical, and rational
Guidance: Don't cross the king, be flexible and innovative, continue moving forward
Journaling:
It's time for me to be decisive and begin making plans to move forward. I don't know exactly what the future looks like, but I know it is time to start figuring it out.
December 30, 2018 Review
What I am finding so amazing about reading through past posts is how much I have changed my life by taking time to read through and analyze my past posts. It is so helpful to get it all out on the page. It just helps to have it there instead of festering. And going back and looking at it with a fresh set of eyes makes it so much less scary.
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September 25, 2017
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| Gilded Tarot Note: Card was reversed |
Deck: Gilded Tarot
First Impressions: Be kinder
Book: Biased decision, dismissing feelings, not playing by the rules, suspending judgement, ruthless action, accept you cannot change people, lack of decisiveness
Guidance: Feel More, judge and analyze less
Journaling
I don't make decisions decisively and implement them when they come to my body. I know sugar is really bad for me and makes me feel horrible, but I keep sucking it down I need to let go. I'm also not very decisive about my X decision. I let go, then snatch it back. I need to just let go.
July 8, 2018 Review
Letting go is really hard for me. I need to figure out why sugar has such a draw for me. No, I don't. Sugar is a physically addictive substance and I am addicted. This is not about me being weak or having a lack of willpower. It is literally about being addicted to a substance. I need to go back to the 12 steps and apply them to sugar. I am just addicted. I think I am going to try going to Food Addicts Anonymous meetings to see if that helps. I'm going to order the literature, then make a decision about the meeting
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October 23, 2016
First Impressions: Mastery of one's thoughts
Book: Compromise, Fairness, Consider other points of view
Guidance: Be fair and objective, listen to others, be intellectually honest
May 25, 2018
Interesting, I did not journal when I pulled this card originally. I'm sure it is because I was super busy and caught up in work. I love this card. Most people would take it as a reminder to listen to other people's points of view, but I consider it a reminder to value my own point of view. My upbringing by the Bitch taught me to value other people over myself so it is second nature for me to discount my own beliefs to appease others. However, recently I have begun valuing my own point of view and truly listening to and asserting myself.
That is really uncomfortable for me because it feels like I am sticking myself out there and setting myself up to be stomped on, but it is important that I assert myself and make my thoughts and feelings known. It was uncomfortable this week at work as I had to assert myself regarding the demo we were doing and sometimes it felt as if I was a broken record, but in the end I got support and we ended up including OCM and it was great as they guys wove it into their presentation seamlessly.
Asserting myself and standing up for myself feels uncomfortable and there are times when I feel as if I have two speeds: Door Mat and Freight train, but that is because in the past, I did not do a good job of asserting myself until I got really pissed off and then it seemed as if it was the first time I had said something, when in reality no one had chosen to listen to me before.
John was wrong in calling me a freight train because he chose not to take responsibility for our lives or anything that was happening so because I was willing to assert myself and take responsibility, I was a freight train. The reality of the matter is that if he had chosen to be an equal partner in our marriage, we would have not had all the problems that we had. Instead, he chose to be passive and as a result, I was viewed as domineering.
It is so valuable to look back on my marriage through the lens of time and see that all the horror and pain he put me through were not really about me at all, but were about his own self esteem issues and his own inadequacies.
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October 1, 2016
First Impressions: I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment. He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land. I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak. He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle. The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.
Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.
Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts
Journaling:
Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what's going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.
When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was. It doesn't mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.
December 23, 2017 Review
Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother. I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before. I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me. There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.
In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself. However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her. That's something she has to want and to work for herself. However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.
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September 12, 2016
Immediate Response: Although this card appears cold and icy, it isn't as the tree still has green on. I love the purple embellishment on his sword as it takes an object that is cold and icy and humanizes it. I also like the cloak clasp as it mirrors his standard which you can partially see in the background. This card as well as my tarot knowledge says that this king is decisive and has the ability to make good decisions, but he might also be a little rigid.
Book: Intellectual, stern, tendency to be too rigid, guardian of social order.
Guidance: Be flexible, make decisions, hold boundaries
Journaling: The last few days have been about flexibility and going with the flow for me so it is interesting that this card came up. I have been deliberately working on going with the flow and not being rigid so I'm not sure what the guidance is here. Have I been too flexible? Maybe this card is suggesting that I be a little more rigid and maintain better boundaries, especially around work. I'm not exactly sure how I would do that as these people are nuts. I'm going to have to give this some thought. Maybe there are ways I can more provide more structure.
December 21, 2017 Review
Interesting to review this a year out of the situation. All of the things that seemed so important at the time and so urgent aren't important any more and I don't even remember what all the drama was at at the time. I do know that I was working at Gateway in Chicago and they were kind of nuts. They had chosen the wrong solution and were trying to make it fix and it wasn't working. They didn't do a good job with order and structure.
I'm also learning that overall I don't do a good job with boundaries and I'm struggling with that now as my client wants to meet every day next week even though I'm on PTO and the rest of the team is. However, being a consultant means sucking it up and doing what needs to be done. Not sure how to set boundaries when the expectation is to be available. Again, I'll have to figure out how to set those boundaries.
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April 7, 2016
Deck: Herbal Tarot
First impressions: Decisiveness
Book: Grounded and stable, cut away truth from untruth
Guidance: Watch so the sword is not critical or sharp to himself or others, bel tolerant, be supportive
Affirmation; I am kind in my decisions
Journaling
I needed to hear this today because I've been doing a lot of beating up on myself. I am human and not perfect. I need to accept me for who I am. The past few weeks have also helped me to better understand why John is with someone. When you're lonely, it would be really easy to accept the first guy that looks as you, as if you might think someone is better than no one. However, after spending 22 years with someone who didn't love me, I'd rather have the loneliness I feel over the pain of rejection and abuse. I'm also not going to settle. Why should I lower my standards/ I will not settle for anything other than unconditional love because that's what I deserve. I deserve someone who makes me laugh, who loves me no matter what and who is there for me no matter what.
John was never that person. His primary goal was always to bring me down a notch. Ishould have let him go all those lifetimes agin.
May 15, 2016
Opening my heart and listening is hard for me. I'm so glad tarot is helping me find a way to open to healing.
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