March 24, 2022
First Impressions: Hiding in the darkness, sad, lonely, feeling unloved
Book: financial or health difficulties, feeling left out, asking for help when you need it, clearing energy blockages
Guidance: Look for opportunities in your current circumstances
Journaling:
I am actually feeling a lot better today and I have more energy. I'm also actively looking for opportunities where I'm at. That includes looking at ways to learn from my current circumstances. Instead of bitching about how much people bother me, I'm starting to ask the question what can I learn and what do I need to learn. There are lessons to be learned from everyone and even though the evil M bugs the hell out of me, I also recognize that I share some traits with her and seeing how much it pisses me off when she does certain things is helping me to acknowledge and change my own ways. At the end of the day, the only person I can change is myself.
There are also real lessons to be learned about how much I can really take on. I overextended myself this semester as I had no clue that work would be this insane. I'm continually pushing things at work and that is going to catch up with me. I also need to make sure there is time in my schedule for me. Even if I only meditate for 10 minutes a day, that helps a lot.
Where: I'm at home this week and I'm currently sitting in the living room watching Clark vulture over Wendy. Seano just got to the Charlotte airport and will be coming home tonight.
Weather: It's a little chilly outside, but not bad
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 58
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:23 am / 7:43 pm
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February 8, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
Card: Five of Coins
First Impressions: Sadness, out in the cold, not asking for help
Book: Recession, adversity, isolation, ruin
Guidance: Ask for help
Journaling:
I'm feeling the five of pentacles today as i do feel isolated and alone and if there is no one out there who cares about me. I know that I have resources and that there are people I can ask for help, but I just feel so isolated and alone. It feels as if nothing good is ever going to happen again. Additionally, even though I like working at home, it is isolating as there is no one whose desk you can just stop by to have a conversation.
However, Sean and I are going to a Monsters game today and even though hockey isn't my favorite thing, it will be nice to get out and about. We're also going out to dinner beforehand so that is something to look forward to. I've also joined the CPTSD support group as I realize that all of the trauma endured at my mother's hands really affected me. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Where I'm At: I'm at home and running late for work.
Mood: I am feeling isolated and alone, but I know that I've felt this way before and come through it. It will all be all right.
Weather: It is cold and crisp outside. it's currently 21, but the high will be 30. There is only a little snow expected today.
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent, 49%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:30 PM / 5:51 PM
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| View from Alley Cat's Oyster Bar in the Flats |
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First Impressions: Sanctuary
Book: The Great Mother Guadalupe
Guidance: Balance your struggles with hope
Journaling:
This is my favorite card in this deck as to me it speaks of hope and of being watched over. The lesson I always take from the five of pentacles is the need to ask for help. We will be provided for if we ask for help, but so often we are ashamed or embarrassed or afraid someone will say no so we don't ask for help and we sit and struggle instead of asking. I know from my own experience that when I get all swirly and am feeling as if life is overwhelming, I feel better when I turn it over and let my beloved deities know that I need help. When I try to do it all myself, I can't and I just get angry, snippy, and overwhelmed. However, once I am able to turn it over and say that I need help, I feel this instant and amazing sense of calm.
The problem is that I let myself go way too long before I turn it over and ask for help. I will do everything possible within my power and I will push myself way too hard before I finally take a step back and acknowledge that I need help. It's a difficult process for me as I hate to be weak and for me asking for help has always been a sign of weakness. I also grew up knowing that if I asked for help, it would be something that someone could hold over my head as there was no such thing as unconditional love in my childhood. It was all about quid pro quo and anytime you asked for help, you knew that there would be a time that you would be required to pay it back. Knowing that means that asking for help is something that I did as a last resort. And it didn't even have to be asking for anything, it was also about showing any sign of weakness.
The first bookend of the beginning of the end for my relationship with Charlene was when I told her I had a problem with alcohol and was seeking help she called me a "drunken slut who tried to kill herself." I felt so demoralized and worthless after that comment. However, there was something deep within me that knew that she was wrong and that I was worth more than that comment. I worked hard to surround myself with positive people and even during my marriage I sought out people who believed in me. The final bookend was when she was so judgmental about my divorce. I was raw, vulnerable, and brokenhearted and she made it all about her. I've realized that she always makes it all about her. She sent me a letter after 3 years of having my address, but not contacting me and the letter was all about her. There was one little scrunched in line that said she was sorry. If that was me, I would have led with I'm sorry, but she always makes it all about her and that was just so normal.
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First Impressions: On the outside looking in
Book: Hardship, Financial stress, seems like troubles will never end, misjudging reliability of others, collapse of faith
Guidance: You have to draw on your own resources to make it through
Journaling:
For me this card is not so much about relying on others as it is about asking for help. Sometimes we place ourselves on the outside looking in because we choose not to trust others and we choose not to ask for help. I am a very untrusting person and it is very difficult for me to open up to others and ask for help. Work was very much like that today as I felt like everyone was bonded and I was the outsider. It felt as if everyone had their own little cliques and no one wanted me around. Part of the reason I feel like that is because my job is different than everyone else's as everyone else has a technical role and my role is not technical so as a result, I feel as if they are looking down on me and thinking I'm not as smart as they are. In reality, that is probably not the case at all but that is how I feel.
I think a lot of my feeling left out and as if I'm on the outside looking in has to do with the fact that I was bullied as a kid for reasons that are unknown to me. I was fine up until we moved to Maple Park and the kids there were horrible. They picked on me, groped me, and generally made my life miserable. I never felt empowered to go and complain because I knew that complaining would only piss them off and make my life miserable. Things are getting better in terms of how bullies are treated, but in my day you were just told to get along. I personally feel that bullies should face severe punishment and should not be allowed to attend school with their victims. If I had it to do all over again, I would have reported the bastards and I would have filed for a restraining order that would have meant they couldn't come to school. Then there parents would have had to respond.
I've grown a lot since I was that scared little girl, but I still try to handle things myself because I don't trust authorities. That's why I didn't report John for attempting to kill me with a baseball bat because I didn't think I would be believed. That was one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life because if I had reported him, he would have gone to jail and I would have felt vindicated. I'm realizing that one of my biggest flaws is that I feel that I need other people to witness bad behavior and agree with me. It's as if I need proof from someone else that bad things happened, but I'm unwilling to ask for help.
I think the lessons that I need to take away from this are that I need to learn to ask for help and that I don't need other people to agree with me. My own word that bad behavior happened is enough.
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First Impressions: Feeling left out, empty inside, bereft
Book: In distress, hope and healing, lonliness
Guidance: Analyze your limitations, there is solace in companionship
Journaling
I pulled this card as I sat at the beach watching an amazing sunset. It feels apt because I was so lonely. Everyone else was there with other people, but I was alone and it hurt to not have anyone to share this beautiful sunset with. I feel more alone than I have in a long time. I've always taken being alone in stride, but today it just feels lonely.
December 29, 2018
It's so funny to reread this now as the memories that I have of that beautiful and amazing day are not of how lonely I was, but of how connected I felt to the others on the beach. I was one of the most spiritual moments of my life to sit there and watch something as ordinary and as miraculous as a sunset. I was so pleased and amazed that so many other people took the time out of there day to watch the sunset. As I reread my post and how I pulled the cards, it made me wonder if I was lying to myself or if the loneliness dissipated as I felt myself surrounded by the larger crowd. I'm going to choose to believe that the sense of connection outweighed the lonliness.
Here is what I posted on Facebook that day:
As she sunk closer and closer to the waves, people got more and more quiet and everyone turned their faces toward the sun. As she slowly faded, a sense of oneness filled the crowd as we all watched the golden orb sink beneath the waves.
Book: You are dealing with stress at a survival level, most likely your health or finances.
Guidance: Tuck into yourself and know that you are safe and protected. Know that there are people looking out for you even if it doesn't seem like it.
Journaling
It is so interesting that I drew this card because I saw, journeyed to a similar structure when I was meditating and I was cocooned in a little womblike structure. I felt safe and secure and there were people holding space for me. While I was in this space, there was someone standing guard outside so I would not be interrupted. I was totally secure.
I'm not truly in a true crisis mode right now, but my mind has created a crisis. I am employed, I"m working on my health, but I do need to feel safe and secure and I'm not sure what the best way to do that is. I have the skills to survive most crises and I've gotten better about not creating crisis any more.
I know for some people this womblike structure would feel isolated or lonely, but for me it appears snug and secure and it is something I'm realizing I need in my own life. I need to create a safe space for myself and part of that is having a space to curl up and feel secure in. In some ways, my wood room is that space as the kids are pretty good about letting me have that space and not interrupting.
February 4, 2018
What I find so interesting in retrospect is that I pulled the five of earth, which is about pulling back my energy and being in survival mode immediately after I pulled the three of fire which is all about being out there and living out loud. It is almost as if the thought of living out loud scared me and I had to pull back in my hermit shell. It is also a good metaphor for where I'm at right now because my mind is coming up for all sorts of excuses as to why I don't want to go to the tarot conference. My brain is telling me that I won't like it, that everyone will be cliquish, etc.
I realize that I have gotten much worse about not wanting to go places since I've been divorced. I don't think I truly realized how much John damaged my soul and made me afraid to meet and interact with people. He was so mean and horrible to me that now I am afraid to meet people. I'm terrified that people will treat me like he did. I need to let go of that because he is a horrible person and how he treated me was always more about him than it was about me.
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