Saturday, April 30, 2022
Thursday, April 28, 2022
Page of Pentacles
October 23, 2022
First Impressions: This card always makes me think of the matrix as the figure is looking through the drawings
Book: Approach projects with youthful exuberant energy.
Guidance: Creativity and diligence will take you far
Journaling:
I am so glad it is Autumn. I struggled all summer because it was miserably hot and I just felt sick constantly. I am actually starting to feel better again and I know that once I get back on track with my meds i will feel better and better. I think I just have to do my due diligence in the icky months (May through September) and proactively take allergy and sinus pills and accept that I will be low energy.
What is interesting is that I'm snuggling into the darkness and reveling in death practices. I don't exactly know why the study of death makes me feel comforted, but it does. It makes me feel connected to my ancestors and it is a reminder that we all end up dead.
Where I'm At: I'm at home today and we were going to go to the zoo, but didn't because Seano needed sleep. However, I had a good day as I got a lot of work done around the house, sat outside with the doggos for a while, then watched Top Gun Maverick. It was an interesting movie as it was full of the air acrobatics you would expect, but there were also some touching moments as you saw the old war horse come through and save the day.
Weather: It was an absolutely beautiful day outside. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 5%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:46/6:34
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April 28, 2022
First Impressions: Joyousness, life blood, child
Book: Enthusiasm, beginning a new path, initiation
Guidance: Be a shepherd to your own instincts
Journaling:
The saying be a shepherd to your own instincts really resonates with me a it means that we need to evaluate our instincts and herd them in the right direction. I sometimes have instincts that are not healthy as I have suffered so much trauma in my life. My first instinct is to seek revenge and destroy people who are unkind to me. However, I realize now that those instincts are rooted in the trauma that I suffered in the past. While in the past, I could not walk away from bullies or put them in their place with a word, I have that power now.
I have also learned that one of the best ways to put a bully in their place is to be successful and to be your own person. As I reflect on my life, I realize is that this is why other people were able to just say Ahmed is an idiot, while I took what he said to heart and let it get under my skin. Other people understood that his hatefulness was his own thing, but I took it as a reflection on me. I need to step back from the Evil M and realize that this is her own thing and really has nothing to do with me. Of course, then my lizard brain goes, "But she could destroy you at work." However, my grownup brain knows that's not true. I can just walk away. I have enough experience that comments from her are not going to destroy me.
Where: I'm home this week and sitting in my messy living room. I cannot wait to be done with school, because then I'm going to deep clean the house. It will take a while, but I'll get it done
Weather: It is cold, but clear outside
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent, 6%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:25 am / 8:22 PM
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February 15, 2022
First Impressions: Industry, taking care of others, co-creating reality
Book: Settling goals, loyalty, positivity, opportunities, manifestation
Guidance: Welcome a fresh start
Journaling:
I love this card and seeing it always reminds me of Heidi up in the alps with her goats. The message I take from this is to take care of others and to co-create your own reality. While we do influence our lives, we also co-create reality with every person and system we interact with. I think the thing we often forget about realty is that we are impacted by the systems we interact with and those systems are often racist and sexist and designed to deny success to anyone who does not look like the majority (white and male).
This raises the question of whether or not it is possible to create a life outside of the mainstream. A life where the things that I value are valued. Sometimes I feel so trapped in capitalism and lately I feel even more trapped because it is the insurance I have through my job that pays for my $3,500 worth of medicine every month. It is outrageous that these drugs cost this much.
I guess the only thing to do is keep turning it over and see where I end up.
Where I'm At: I'm at home today sitting on the couch before I need to get to work.
Mood: I don't feel good as I have a lousy sinus infection/allergies today, but I'm not in a bad mood. I'm also tired because the big GreyBe did not sleep well so she kept me up.
Weather: It is 11 degrees and sunny outside. It is one of those bright and sunny days where the sun makes it look so much warmer than it is.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous, 98%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:21 am / 5:59 pm
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First Impressions: Learning, intelligence
Journaling
I'm not doing my usual recap because I just pulled this card two days ago. I have no clue as to what it means,but this card has shown up about four ties lately. The page can be about a need to focus to gain rewards. It could be an opportunity or an invitation.
Spirit,
Please tell me what the page of pentacles means for me. Thank you.
For now, I am going to go about my business and trust that it will all be revealed to me.
December 29, 2018 Revisit
I'm realizing that in retrospect, the Page was telling me two things. The first is about Cam and supporting her love of learning and the second is about my own love of learning. The Page is telling me that it is right to explore and learn and to follow my passions. I am so excited about going back to grad school. I know it will be challenging, but I'm also very very excited.
Book: My path is wide open and I am prepared for new adventures
Guidance: Could represent someone young who is depending on me, time to start over
Journaling
This is another card that has been stalking me. I am not sure if it refers to Cam just starting out or if it represents me beginning a new endeavor. Whatever it represents, I am just glad that I am out of my black funk and ready to move forward. I almost feel like this card is Cam in her sparkling boots holding her future in her hands.
December 27, 2018 Revisit
This card definitely feels like me today. I am so excited to be starting school and beginning a new adventure. The most amazing part of this adventure is that I'm not 100 percent sure where it is going to lead me and I'm okay with that. I'm not feeling like I have to know the outcome. I'm just ready to see where it leads me and that in and of itself is an amazing place to be.
Book: Wanting to make a difference, pragmatic, results oriented, excited about learning
Guidance: Stay focused
Journaling
This was a great card to receive today as I needed the reminder that I do have what it takes to achieve what I want. I just need to stay focused and do the work. It's harder to apply the skills I use in the work world to love, but I'm getting there.
I do know that I need to spend the next year focused on my body.
May 27, 2018 Revisit
I haven't done such a good job focusing on my body and I really do need to take a step back and figure out what my poor neglected body needs to do to thrive. A lot of it has to do with taking the time to eat healthy food and to let go of my addiction to sugar. I'm realizing that the sugar addiction is the same as the alcohol addiction when I was younger. I crave soda and I have rituals around it. I need to go back to the first step and admit that I am powerless over sugar and that my life around it has become uncontrollable. I need to focus on finding healthy solutions, eating more fruit, and really letting go of my addiction to the hard stuff (i.e. sugar). This is day two without soda and I'm not feeling too badly. I also bought some caffeine patches which I hope will help me.
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Monday, April 25, 2022
Three of Pentacles
April 25, 2022
First Impressions: Collaboration, helping one another, fun colors, genuine liking
Book: Finding meaning in work, cooperation, talent
Guidance: Use the right tool for the job
Journaling:
This is a hard card for me as I like to have my own little sphere of influence and I hate it when people step on my toes. That is why I am good at process work as I do a great job collaborating with people who are upstream and downstream from me, but I don't do a good job of collaborating with people who do the same job as I do because I want to do my job in a way that I see fit and I don't want people telling me what to do. That's a big part of the reason that I struggle with the Evil M as she is incredibly bossy and wants to drive how everyone does things. I hate that as I have learned from my work experience that we are not robots and that we all need the latitude to tweak how we do things.
What I've come to realize is that this is not a character flaw and that it is really just accepting of how life is. I used to want everyone to follow the same processes, but then Ted told me that that was taking away people's ability to be creative and to like their job. And that really resonated with me and I found it so true.
Where: I'm home this week and I am off work today and tomorrow so that I can finish my papers that are due. One is due and turned in, one is almost complete, and one is outlined.
Weather: It is a little cold out and might rain, but it isn't horrible.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent, 28%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:29 am / 8:18 PM
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March 11, 2022
Deck: Light Seer's Tarot
First Impressions: I know it isn't meant to, but it looks like a stoplight. I like this card because it takes out the religious symbolism of the cad.
Book: Cooperation, community, teaching and learning, team work
Guidance: Collaborate
Journaling:
Collaboration is hard for me. I see the beauty of co-creating, but I have also been burned so many times by people who were supposed to have my back, but failed me. There were school projects were people did not do their part, there were work projects where I was left holding the bag, and then there was my marriage. We were supposed to be partners, but John was never capable of being my partner. He was incapable of carrying his weight financially, but he refused to pick up he slack at home. I never really cared about whether or not he made as much money as me, but I cared that he refused to contribute. There were so many times when he refused to get a job and refused to take care of the house. It was never fair that I had to carry the entire burden. I still carry the bulk of the burden, but the kids are starting to step up.
However, when I reflect on my life, there have been times when I have known true collaboration. Project work is all about collaboration. And my team mates at Da Bird are stepping up to do their part. It is pretty cool to see.
Where I'm At: I'm sitting at home and I am so thankful that it is Friday. It was a super rough week at work and I wasn't sure I would get though it. But I did and I have two days off! yeah.
Weather: It is cold and snowy tonight
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 60%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:45 am / 6:28 pm
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February 12, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
Card: Three of Coins
First Impressions: Working together, collaboration, magick happening when people work together
Book: Studying, growth, collaboration, success, recognition
Guidance: All things are possible through collaboration
Journaling:
This is an amazing card to pull today as I had a really good session with Dr. Perkins. She made some great suggestions about my dissertation proposal that made sense and will help me have a good project that is important and doable within the time frame of a PhD. I'm hopeful that I will actually see this project to fruition, then I don't know what's next for me. It's funny that for me the allure of the PhD is not about the degree and being "Dr. Shakti." it is about learning and researching and putting information together in new and different ways. I have a good feeling about where this is going to lead.
Where I'm At: I'm home and utterly exhausted. I know it is trauma exhaustion a I pulled some cards and did some journaling today about trauma. This is a familiar feeling as after really good and healing acupuncture sessions, I would feel this same exhaustion.
Mood: I'm in a good mood today even if I am tired. Wendy is healing, we're getting the house clean.
Weather: It is 21 and snowy. It's also overcast and glooming as the sun is getting ready to set.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous, 84%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:25 PM / 5:56 PM
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January 30, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Joy, happiness, sharing, making music together
Book: Studying, growth, collaboration, respect
Guidance: Learn from one another
Where I'm at: I'm at home, snuggled up on my sofa with Clarkie snoring away at the other end. I also have a candle burning on my 2022 altar and I'm enjoying the peace that comes with having the house mostly to myself this morning. I've spent the last hour working on my assignment for my comparative religion research class and I'm realizing how much I love research.
Mood: Overall, I'm in a good mood today as I'm taking time to just relax and enjoy the day. However, I do have a killer headache and I'm not sure if it is from traveling or something else.
Weather: It's cold and clear with a temperature of 20 and a real feel of 14. And we are supposed to get even more snow. I think there has been more snow this year than any year that I recall.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent, 1% illumination
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:40 am / 5:39 pm
Journaling:
As I'm reflecting on this, I often focus on the learn from others aspect of this card and do not think about learning from one another in the sense that I also have something to share. I am in an interesting place at work lately as I'm being called upon to mentor and share my knowledge more than every before. That has historically been a challenge for me as I like to be special and hold my knowledge close to the chest. However, I'm realizing that if I want to move up and have different responsibilities, I need to be willing to help others learn how to do what I do now. I was thinking the other day about the people I have learned the most from in my life and I realize that it is the people who shared their knowledge that I looked up to. It was the willingness to share openly that made them special and not the knowledge itself. All of these folks also treated me with respect and as if my lack of knowledge was just that, a lack of knowledge and not a personal failing. I'm looking forward to moving to a new role and helping others get better.
The other thing I'm realizing as I'm working on my research paper is that there are other ways to collaborate than being face to face in a room with other people. Even though I've never met the authors of the articles I'm reading, I'm collaborating with them because we are sharing knowledge across time and space and I'm learning things and may have new ways of thinking about what they wrote.
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December 27, 2021
Deck: Tarot of the DivineKey Words: #tarot three of coins learning from one another, collaboration, humility, room to grow, open to new ideas
Journaling
This card speaks to the joy of collaboration and of knowing that people have your back and are there to support you. It speaks to being open to new ideas and to letting those ideas flow.
As I am someone who always has to be in competition with someone, it is hard to collaborate and share ideas. I'm currently working with someone who challenges me and constantly asks me to explain myself and justify my way of thinking. I find this incredibly annoying as I'm used to doing things my own way and not having to collaborate or get agreement from a peer on how I do things. There is a part of me that wants to dismiss everything she says because I do not like feeling challenged. However, when I am able to see past my ego, I realize that some of her ideas are worth considering.
The funny thing about it is that I love to collaborate with people who have complementary roles, but I struggle when someone is "invading my space" or has skills that are in the same domain as mine. When that happens, I want to draw a big boundary around what is mine. This card is telling me that even if other people have good ideas, it doesn't mean that I am any less special.
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August 13, 2019
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Pay Attention
Book: Remembering Wholeness
Guidance: Skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance
Journaling
I initially picked this card because one of its associations is collaboration and for me this week is all about collaboration. We all need to share knowledge and work together in order to create amazing things. However, that being said, I belief it is also true that skill, knowledge, and spiritual awareness will manifest abundance and that is part of why I am in this class. For me, I am starting to realize that true abundance has very little to do with the size of my paycheck. My paycheck pays the bills and provides me with stuff, but it really doesn't bring me much abundance. In fact, being unhappy at work is one of the worst feelings in the world because I put my whole heart and soul into work so when that positive emotion is not returned and I'm shit on, it's really hard for me to deal with and I've been shit on a lot lately. However, none of that matters because at the end of the day it is just work and there are other jobs out there.
What I have found so amazing about this week is how the ideas are flowing and how everyone is sharing and listening to each other. I have learned so much about religion, spirituality, and health and it really makes me realize exactly how much I have to learn and made me realize how much I have to contribute if I can figure out how to get my PhD and make it work. I don't know what that looks like and I don't know how to do it, but I will just keep opening up and listening to spirit and I will figure it out.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful that Dr. Oliver was interested in my presentation
I'm grateful that Jason sat with me
I'm grateful that I didn't get pinged too much from work
I'm grateful for the yummy whoppers
I'm grateful for hanging out with Cam and chilling
I'm grateful to Sean for sending pics of the dogs
I'm grateful Charmin listened
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July 22, 2019
Deck: World Tarot
First Impressions: Sharing, consulting, agreeing
Book: Card of craftspeople and artisans, doing what you love enough to be supported by it, do work that honors you
Guidance: Be prepared for hard work
Journaling
It's interesting as I've always read this card as cooperation and working with others, but this card doesn't speak to it as it speaks to individual efforts. I did go back to check the meanings in other books and there are books that read the card as collaboration, but this card doesn't and focuses on an individual's personal effort. This gives me something different to think about as I had chosen this card in the hopes that it would inspire cooperation and teamwork. Oddly, enough in a way it did as we did have a fairly peaceful day today without a lot of drama.
However, when I look at what the card based on this reading, I realize that this is yet another message that I'm at a turning point and that I need to be prepared for my life to change in a big way. It makes sense because I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on what I want to be when I grow up and I know I want to write, I want to inspire people, but I don't know if I want to work one on one with people as that takes a lot of emotional energy. I'm going to keep working with Cam on Cairn by Cairn and work on putting classes together and we'll see where it goes.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful John showed me how to do the PDF thing
I'm grateful for a good Case for Change workshop
I"m grateful there was not much drama today
I'm grateful I have a mostly dark room
I'm grateful for the quiet tonight
I'm grateful for my lemon candle
I'm grateful for a great shower
I'm grateful for yummy sushi
I'm grateful for Rainier cherries and the amazing taste they have
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April 16, 2017
Deck: Herbal Tarot
First Impressions: Collaborate
Book: Body, mind, and spirit are linked in collaboration. Having deals, being practical, persevering through obstacles
Guidance: Cultivate a deep understanding, building a foundation
Affirmation: I build a solid foundation
Journaling
What a crazy day. I was supposed to meet someone Cam knows at the library, but we ended up in lockdown. I've been thinking about the topic of collaboration a lot. I've also been thinking about faith and the need to truly trust. I've been sabotaging myself by all the doubts and all the magick. They would not have given me these feelings if it wasn't going to work. That's all I need to know.
April 22, 2017 Revisit
I'm realizing that I'm not at peace with myself and that's part of why I am on edge. I feel betrayed by my body and as a result of that feeling of betrayal, I abuse my body with sugar. I feel like my poor body is crying out with pain, but I just push myself harder. I don't honor my body. I'm not even sure how to start: massage, vitamin, or sleep? meditation, lotion. I think I start with being kind to myself.
January 14, 2022 Revisit
The day that we ended up locked in the library was the day that someone killed someone for no reason and broadcast it on Facebook. The guy that was killed, Robert Godwin, was walking home and minding his own business when this fucker (and I'm not saying his name) pulled up and shot him in the face. The shooter didn't know him or anything. Our world is such a sick place sometimes.
On the other part of this, abusing my body, unfortunately I still do that. My blood sugar and cholesterol are through the roof but I keep eating crap. Part of it is because I'm busy, but part of it is that I'm so unhappy with my life that I eat sugar to feel better. I think the thing I need to do to change is to find a way to like my life better.
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December 29, 2016
Deck: Gilded Tarot
First Impressions: I love the way the man is holding the pentacles and checking them to make sure they are correct. This card traditionally speaks to collaboration and working together.
Book: Creating and delighting in the process, collaboration, Creating what you envision, skill and spiritual values, spiritual renovation.
Guidance: Cooperate with others, new work from a spiritual perspective.
Journaling:
I love thinking about opening my soul to renovation. To me that speaks of making something good even better. I am finally starting to appreciate the beauty and wonder that is me. I'm appreciating my strengths and my perseverance. I have been given and amazing life and I am so far of how far I've come and all that I've gone through to get here.
However I can also appreciate that my halo is a little dirty and could use some polishing. I know that I have work to do in letting go and forgiving. I'm also realizing I have work to do in accepting healing work as a valid way to spend my time. I sometimes get so caught up in beating myself up for reading a book or reading my tarot cards that I forget that I'm human and my body needs rest and my soul needs this healing work. Sitting here and reading cards and journaling is a valid way to spend my time.
I think I'm jealous because people with addiction get 30 days or so to work on healing and other bruised and broken people are expected to just pick themselves up and move on with no down time. After my divorce, it would have been amazing to check out of life for 30 days and focus on healing. It would have been awesome to have structured workshops on different aspects of healing and to have someone guide me through the process of becoming whole again. I instead I was left to flounder and find my own path. I am so fortunate that I found people to help me and guide me and now I may be being led to create a program to help others. It truly is a sacred duty.
Dearest Ones,
Please guide me to create a program that will help others grow and change. Help me find ways to make people's burdens just a little lighter.
December 29, 2017
The message I've been getting from my guides lately is that I need to focus on me and focus on what is helping me. I can be an example to others to help them heal by following in my footsteps, but it is not time yet to be more active in creating something. I need to do the prep work and build the foundation before I jump right in. I'm really good at jumping right in, but I need to build my website slowly, build some class content because that's fun for me. Continue helping Scott, but I don't need to jump in with both feet right now.
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December 4, 2016
Deck: Gilded Tarot
First Impressions: Losing all progress, being unbalanced, Arrogance, not needing anyone
Book: Inefficiency, working at cross purposes, state of inner and outer discord, exhausted, overworked, burned out, not taking enough care
Guidance: Be aware of losing the magical connection to process and project, reconsider the team you are working with
Journaling
Interesting guidance as I've been thinking about the team in my life and I'm realizing that I surround myself with users who don't give back. John was a user, A can be a user to a certain extent, L is definitely a user. My gives give back what they can, but I'm definitely carrying the heaviest load.
I'm wondering if part of the reason I'm struggling with manifesting love and relationships is that I have nothing left to give. I'm overdrawn emotionally and spiritually and there is no one to fill up my reserves and take care of me. I'm really torn about mentoring someone right now because it feels as if it is someone taking from me without getting anything back and I don't have a lot to give right now.
I need to give some serous thought as to whether or not this is working and whether I can do it. I have to give serious thought to how to refill my well.
January 23, 2018
The universe has been telling me lately that I'm running on empty and I need to recharge. They are screaming this message at me as I left both my computer charger and the charger for my DVD player at home. If that's not a big time screaming message that I'm out of energy, I don't know what is. One of the ways this project has been really good for me is that I have had to rely on others and haven't been able to just jump in and do everything. I've had to let others do the heavy lifting and that has been really difficult for me.
Right now I'm working on ways to stop the energy drain and the first one is better boundaries to stop expending energy on random strangers. That means tuning out the people who talk at me on planes, taking the bus instead of a cab when I can, and, if all else fails, telling people I don't have time to talk to them. That sounds so rude, but right now I am in survival mode from an energy drain and I need to take care of myself.
I also need to find ways to recharge. I'm glad the weather is getting better because I love to walk outside and that really helps me recharge my energy.. I'm also going to take my turns walking the Clarken.
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October 27, 2016
Deck: Fairy Tarot
First Impressions: Learning from others, collaboration
Book: Integrity and ethics, spirit of service, unity, combining vision, skill, and spiritual values, spiritual renovation
Guidance: Learn from others, trust others
Journaling
Perfect card for me to draw today. This lawsuit threw me for a loop, but I received and instead of hiding from it, I stepped up and did what needed to be done. I had to rely on my teammates and ask for help. I also had to accept and realize that I have to breathe and I can't get all swirly. Getting all swirly doesn't help a whole lot. Again, pulling this card today has helped me stay focused.
May 25, 2018 Reflection
The lawsuit turned out to be a non-event. The insurance company settled with the for $25K, which is a whole lot less than they were asking for. This was a case of my turning it over, asking for help, and it all working out. At the end of the day, there was nothing that I could really do about it so the only option that I had was to turn it over.
I wish the rest of life was so easy to turn over. I let myself get all weird and swirly over stuff that I can't control and I need to stop. I need to learn to breath and to turn things over. Life is so much better when I am able to do that.
Saturday, April 23, 2022
Thursday, April 21, 2022
The Hermit
April 21, 2022
Written retrospectively on April 24
First Impressions: walking through the fog, lighting the light for the universe, almost stepping off the edge of the earth, finding his way
Book: Retreat into self, seeking wisdom, philosophical / esoteric knowledge
Guidance: True Knowledge lasts indefinitely
Journaling:
One of the things I'm realizing is that I need to differentiate between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge for me is facts and figures, but wisdom is that deep bone knowing that is the truths of life. I have felt that the last few days I have been much more open to bone knowing as I'm going to call it. Writing my paper on abortion has been searing for me as I've had to feel emotions that are deeply uncomfortable. I've been feeling the trauma in my bones and it has been very uncomfortable, but I also know that I am gaining wisdom as I feel the pain,
My problem is that I really need to learn to let go of bullshit. The evil M is bullshit and I know that in a few years, I will have forgotten her face and her ugly voice. I just have to hold on and I will be rid of her. I just have to stop letting her into my head.
Where: I started the day in Trenton, MO and ended the day in Kansas City. It was a good day and we had some good discussions at work. However, the evil M had to pop up her ugly head and be rude. I really need to just let go of her and get our out of my head. I am going to do multiple 'Frank Meditations" so I kick her out of my head.
Weather: The day started off with fog. I hadn't seen fog in a while so it was pretty cool to see it swirling around the car. By the time I went to drive to KC, it was clear.
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 72
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:25 am / 8:00 PM
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Note: Today is the last of my Tiamat musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet. This was an incredibly interesting way to read the cards and it gave me a lot more clarity than just a quick reading.
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| Tarot de St. Croix |
Dark Goddess Question: What is the secret of the deep?
First Impressions: Magic, mystery, emerging from solitude
Book: Healer and wise woman, paring down on the outer world, being present in the moment, being self realized
Dark Goddess book: Honesty and truth, look beyond appearances
Guidance: Spend time alone and allow your inner wisdom to reveal itself
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| Dark Goddess Tarot |
Dark Goddess Guidance: Trust the momentum of your soul's journey, seek out the still and sacred places
Journaling
The secret of the deep can be found within your soul. The Hermit tells me that I will not find the answers I am seeking from other people or from outside satisfaction. I need to look within and find who I really am. This is telling because it has been a rough week having received a letter from Charlene, having dealt with an overload of work, and having realized that I can't get the PhD that I was looking for. I've realized that I really do spend a lot of time looking for outside validation and that there are times when it feels as if my soul is just empty. I'm realizing that when don't have a mother that shows you unconditional love, it is really hard to feel as if you are worthy or deserving of love. Deep down it feels as if no one can love me if my mother doesn't. My head knows that her inability to care for and love anyone was really about her and not about me in any way, shape, or form, but the little girl deep in my soul doesn't realize that and it makes it really hard to think other people would love me just for me.
I've done so much work on realizing that I am a kind and lovable person, but my mother is always able to plunge me back into that pit of hell where I feel unloved and as if the only thing that matters is what I can do for other people. She always made me feel as if I didn't matter for who I was, it was only what I could do for other people. She was and is so concerned about what other people think, that she can't accept that you don't have to make everyone happy with how you live your life. It's taken me so long to get to the point where I know that if I am not hurting myself or taking advantage of other people, I'm okay. I used to think that the standard was not hurting anyone else, but I've realized that there are a lot of times when we make choices to protect ourselves that hurt other people and that's okay. For instance, my decision not to talk to my mother hurts her a lot, but there is no way that I can have any kind of relationship with her because nothing I was comfortable with would be enough for her. That breaks my heart in a way, but it is better than having to deal with her constant put downs and judgement.
Saturday, April 16, 2022
Tuesday, April 12, 2022
Death
Tarot of Little SecretsFirst Impressions: Comforting, remember the people left behind, dreaming of loved ones
Book: Change, transition, endings, loss, ending, new beginnings, mourning, grief
Guidance: Spirit rises ahead of grief's embrace
Journaling:
This is an interesting card to pull as I feel I have been surrounded by death for the last year. In my classroom work, I have come to understand what grief is and that we can never really leave our loved ones behind, instead they live with us in different ways. My life is so much richer for having known Luke and knowing what it was like to know you needed to be of service to someone else. Loving Luke was such pure love and when he visits today, I know it is because he loves and misses me.
My relationships with humans is more complicated. I know my father loved me, but my grief is tinged with trauma as I wonder what my life would have been life if he had truly supported my dreams and aspirations. I know that he was never able to as he was trapped in his old fashioned patriarchal world view. What I have had to come to accept is that he did fully love me, but he did not support me. I've had to accept that those are two different things. It hasn't necesseary made life easier, but it has helped me with letting go.
Where: I'm sitting in a hotel room in Modesto, CA and the weather is absolutely beautiful. It was a good day at work, but I am always a little wonked out when I am working at the office on the West Coast.
Weather: It was absolutely beautiful today. The sun was warm and although it was a little crisp, it felt amazing outside
Moon Phase: Waxing, Gibbous, 80%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:32 AM/7:37 PM
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Book: From all endings, comes a promise of new beginnings
Guidance: Death of something that needs to end, open yourself to possibilities
Journaling
This card made me think of Elif and her journey over the rainbow bridge. She's fading fast and I know that she will be leaving the earthly realm soon, but I got a sense of comfort today as I caught an image of her and Ollie getting into mischief in the next realm and of there being best buds. It was such a peaceful image that it left me with a sense of peace and hope. However, Cam is so distraught today as she contemplates losing another animal and having to take care of it by herself. I had to leave to go to work and couldn't be there for her and Sean is so upset about Elif dying that he can't think of anyone but himself and is being so angry.
I am so proud of my girl as even though the easy thing to do would be to just leave Elif in her cage, she is choosing to be present for her, to hold her, to bathe her, and to take care of her. She has such an amazing spirit and she is the kindest and most compassionate person that I know. I know that her heart is being ripped to shreds right now, but instead of thinking of her own feelings, she is putting Elif's needs first. I wish I was half as loving and compassionate as she is.
Book: Daunting, death is with us every minute of our lives, parts of us are always dying and being reborn, possibility of transformation
Guidance: Let go and free up your energies to enjoy what this world has to offer, have trust in the future, bid farewell to the past
Journaling
This is such a hard card, but an amazing card as well because it speaks of the wondrous possibilities that can be had if we are willing to let go of our fear and step into the abyss. In some ways this card is similar to the fool in that both are about trusting enough to take a difficult step. The fool is about choosing to step into the unknown and trust that we will soar and this card is about choosing to let go of the past and be reborn.
What is odd to me is that I have always embraced the fool as I've always loved the image of taking the leap of faith and stepping into the unknown. I think my hangup is that I always viewed the fool as stepping off from a neutral place like a cliff and choosing to believe that there was an amazing future waiting for me. However, death is about letting go of all the junk that is holding us back. It is letting go of the people we love who are not good for us, it is about letting go of situations that are not good for us, but are comfortable. Death is a harder leap of faith because not only we are stepping off the cliff into the abyss, we are stepping away from what is known.
Choosing to let go of things that may be comfortable, but bad for us is really really hard, but if we can take that leap of faith we can be reborn. This card is also the natural successor to the Hanged Man as the Hanged Man asks us to be willing to give up beliefs that no longer serve us, but Death is choosing to actually give them up.
Journaling
I just pulled this card a few days ago and it feels like a stalker card. I don't know what it means that I have drawn this card twice in four days. I don't know if it means a literal death or if it is about upcoming changes. I will need to pay attention and see what happens in my life.
January 2, 2018
I'm still not sure why I pulled this card twice in April, but I've come to realize that when I pull this card it is a reminder to let go of the past and embrace the future. In the past, I've done a really lousy job of embracing the future and letting go of the past. I tend to hold on to things until they are rotted and purely not redeemable. There are days I wonder if I could have salvaged at least a working relationship with him if I had not hung on so long. However, I don't think I could have because of his own issues.
Book: Death is the ultimate transformer, sun is foretelling a new beginning, positive change, transformation, renewal, a new life awaits you
Guidance: Feel liberated
Journaling
The death card is a reminder to let go of what is holding me back and embrace change. Interesting card as I reflect on yesterday. I was so scared driving on route 1. I kept being afraid I was going to plunge off the cliff. It was much better driving back when I was on the inside.
I need to take care of myself or the death card will come true. I'm going to start by giving up bread, then soda. I'm hoping if I lose weight and quit sugar my numbers will go down.
I also saw a dead sea lion on the beach this morning and that made me so sad, but thanks to the circle of life I remembered that this is just what happens. We are born, we die
December 30, 2018
I did not do such a good job giving up bread. It did not help that I ended up at a project at King's Hawaiian and got coupons and free rolls. What I've realized is that I have to come to a balanced position with bread. I'm going to make homemade bread one weekend a month and that will be it. I can give up crappy, substandard bread if I get homemade bread once a month. I've also mostly given up soda by changing out the ritual. Now the ritual is to go and buy the Bai instead of soda and it is actually working. I think the problem with trying to switch to water is that I missed the ritual aspects of it. I missed the going to the store and searching for it. That made me savor it more. I still have some of that with Bai as they don't always have my flavor.
I'm also really worried about this thing on my arm. I don't think it is cancerous because it is pretty symmetrical, but there could still be something there. I will just pray that I am taken care of.
Book: If you want to move past this point, you need to move past death. Death of the ego. Ending of all kinds, letting go
Guidance: Beware of the fear of change, let go of old thoughts, create closure
Journaling
I have to let go of wanting my mother to be someone she's not. I have to accept that, for whatever reason, she is incapable of growth and change. She can't be the mother than I need or want her to be. That means that I need to find loving and supporting relationships with others.
The good thing is that I have grown and changed over the past six years and I'm in a place where I will no longer accept disrespect.
July 1, 2018
Funny, that this was where I started my evening of scribing. Cam and I got into it yesterday and she said that nothing was ever good enough for me and that I was just like my mother. Needless to say that hurt a lot and made me do some serious soul searching. I realized that I was doing exactly the same thing to her that my mother did to me. I was making her doubt herself and what she was wanting in her life.
I don't like her being worked like a dog and having a constantly changing schedule. However, as long as we work it out so she is not inconveniencing anyone else with her crazy schedule, it's my job to support her and love her and make her life a little easier if I can. This really is about the death of the ego and of letting go and trusting her to make the best decisions that she can. It is not as if she is out dealing drugs on the sidewalk. She is working to help people and I should support her and not put her down.
Part of this is about my ego and the realization that in a lot of ways she is a better person than I will ever be. I cannot give that freely and unconditionally of myself, especially to people who are unappreciative. My ego wants to be recognized and if people are not recognizing my ego, I'm struggling with the entire situation.
Book: Seeker feels stuck, feels like nothing has been accomplished, remove the blockage, let go and move on, fear of change, depression
Guidance: Let go and move on, work through the fear
Journaling
This card reflects where I've been lately. I have been stuck and feeling as if I am never going to move on. I don't know if I am holding too tightly to the past or what. I know I still want X and I really don't want anyone else. It's also so hard to move on when I am still stuck in Chicago half the time. Even this week when I've been home, it feels like why bother when I know I will be back in Chicago next week.
May 25, 2018
One of the ways that I know that I am changing is that I am able to feel so much compassion for the pain I was in. I no longer look at what I've written and cringe at my whining, but instead I acknowledge the pain that I was in and realize that not treating myself with compassion was a big part of the reason that I stayed stuck in my pain is that I did not have compassion for myself. Instead, even if I didn't write it on the page, I was internally berating myself and channeling my mother who told me to suck it up.
Having heard messages like that for over 40 years, it is no wonder that I am cruel to myself. That bitch constantly belittled me, put me down anytime I showed a "negative" emotion, and always made it about other people. I'm realizing that she had no business being a mother as she had no clue how to be supportive and loving. I am so fortunate that I had other women in my life who were positive and loving and who did encourage me. I need to focus on that support and not on her constant put downs.
I am so proud of myself for breaking free of her negativity. It is hard in this country to walk away from a parent and say she is toxic. Everyone seems t think that if someone is your parent that you owe them and that walking away is cruel. I'm sure that she does view it as cruel, but it is the thing that saved my life. Having Blaze offer unconditional love helped, but having the courage to walk away from my mother is what truly started me down the path to healing. Knowing that I did not need her support and that I could CHOOSE to cut her out of my life was powerful and was the one thing that truly started me down a healing path.
Even though it has been eight years since I've seen her and seven since I've talked to her, there are till days when her nasty voice creeps back into my head and I have to have Frank escort her to the door and tell her to F* off. However, lately I've been doing a good job of escorting her out of my head myself and telling her to F* off.
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| Death Hanson Roberts |
Book: Strong sense of inertia. Feeling that nothing has been accomplished. Stay with it as there is more to learn. Avoidance of or fear of change.
Guidance: Remove the blockage to transition. Let go and move on. Pray and meditate.
Journaling:
Death reversed pretty much sums up where I'm at today. I'm feeling stuck, helpless, and depressed. I feel as if I will never move forward and never have the love I want in my life. I am such a white picket fence girl. I am all about hearth and home and none of this stuff at work is really important to me. All I really want to do is come home to someone who loves me.
December 23, 2017
I still really want to have someone in my life who loves me to come home to. I know the kids love me, but I want that one person who is always there for me. Despite all that I've been through, I still believe in love and happily every after. However, one thing I have learned in the last year is that work does have meaning for me and I do enjoy it and take a sense of pride in what I do. I'm also realizing how important it is to have gratitude for what we do have in our lives. I may want to have someone, but I do appreciate having my kids, a home to live in, and a job that pays me well. Even though I want love, it doesn't mean I should trash the things that I do have in my life.
So incredibly proud of myself for getting rid of that toxic influence!!
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| Death Gaian Tarot |
At first glance this is about all the things I've lost in my life. It is about letting go of illusions. It is about grieving and moving on. We need to let go of these things that no longer serve us. Release that which no longer your best interest to create the space for new beginnings. Where am I holding on to that which no longer serves me:
- The belief that I will live happily ever after with a certain someone
- My anger over John's betrayal
- Playing the strong survivor
- Playing the victim
- The expectation that John will ever grow up
- The belief that I am unlovable
- The belief that I'm not strong enough
Beating myself up and talking down to myself is not and has never been productive. All it has done has lead me to not like myself and to continue to put other people first. I need to let go of all of the negativity and realize how truly amazing I am.
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