April 21, 2022
Written retrospectively on April 24
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: walking through the fog, lighting the light for the universe, almost stepping off the edge of the earth, finding his way
Book: Retreat into self, seeking wisdom, philosophical / esoteric knowledge
Guidance: True Knowledge lasts indefinitely
Journaling:
One of the things I'm realizing is that I need to differentiate between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge for me is facts and figures, but wisdom is that deep bone knowing that is the truths of life. I have felt that the last few days I have been much more open to bone knowing as I'm going to call it. Writing my paper on abortion has been searing for me as I've had to feel emotions that are deeply uncomfortable. I've been feeling the trauma in my bones and it has been very uncomfortable, but I also know that I am gaining wisdom as I feel the pain,
My problem is that I really need to learn to let go of bullshit. The evil M is bullshit and I know that in a few years, I will have forgotten her face and her ugly voice. I just have to hold on and I will be rid of her. I just have to stop letting her into my head.
Where: I started the day in Trenton, MO and ended the day in Kansas City. It was a good day and we had some good discussions at work. However, the evil M had to pop up her ugly head and be rude. I really need to just let go of her and get our out of my head. I am going to do multiple 'Frank Meditations" so I kick her out of my head.
Weather: The day started off with fog. I hadn't seen fog in a while so it was pretty cool to see it swirling around the car. By the time I went to drive to KC, it was clear.
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 72
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:25 am / 8:00 PM
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October 1 2019
Note: Today is the last of my Tiamat musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I'm pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet. This was an incredibly interesting way to read the cards and it gave me a lot more clarity than just a quick reading.
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| Tarot de St. Croix |
Dark Goddess Question: What is the secret of the deep?
First Impressions: Magic, mystery, emerging from solitude
Book: Healer and wise woman, paring down on the outer world, being present in the moment, being self realized
Dark Goddess book: Honesty and truth, look beyond appearances
Guidance: Spend time alone and allow your inner wisdom to reveal itself
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| Dark Goddess Tarot |
Dark Goddess Guidance: Trust the momentum of your soul's journey, seek out the still and sacred places
Journaling
The secret of the deep can be found within your soul. The Hermit tells me that I will not find the answers I am seeking from other people or from outside satisfaction. I need to look within and find who I really am. This is telling because it has been a rough week having received a letter from Charlene, having dealt with an overload of work, and having realized that I can't get the PhD that I was looking for. I've realized that I really do spend a lot of time looking for outside validation and that there are times when it feels as if my soul is just empty. I'm realizing that when don't have a mother that shows you unconditional love, it is really hard to feel as if you are worthy or deserving of love. Deep down it feels as if no one can love me if my mother doesn't. My head knows that her inability to care for and love anyone was really about her and not about me in any way, shape, or form, but the little girl deep in my soul doesn't realize that and it makes it really hard to think other people would love me just for me.
I've done so much work on realizing that I am a kind and lovable person, but my mother is always able to plunge me back into that pit of hell where I feel unloved and as if the only thing that matters is what I can do for other people. She always made me feel as if I didn't matter for who I was, it was only what I could do for other people. She was and is so concerned about what other people think, that she can't accept that you don't have to make everyone happy with how you live your life. It's taken me so long to get to the point where I know that if I am not hurting myself or taking advantage of other people, I'm okay. I used to think that the standard was not hurting anyone else, but I've realized that there are a lot of times when we make choices to protect ourselves that hurt other people and that's okay. For instance, my decision not to talk to my mother hurts her a lot, but there is no way that I can have any kind of relationship with her because nothing I was comfortable with would be enough for her. That breaks my heart in a way, but it is better than having to deal with her constant put downs and judgement.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful that Far Automotive was able to fix my car quickly
I'm grateful that people gave me recommendations for fixing my car
I'm grateful that I got a good walk
I'm grateful for the good meetings
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for the awesome pizza
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August 16, 2019
First Impressions: Blessed solitude, choosing to live a life of light and dark
Book: Time alone in contemplation, paring down of the outer world in order to travel deep within the psyche, ability to see within
Guidance: Spend time alone
Journaling
Today was a true hermit evening. I left work on time and got back to the hotel before 6 pm. I watched some TV, worked on my paper, then went to bed at 9 pm. It was so nice to fall into the complete darkness and let go of all the tension from the day. I just let myself be alone and in the dark and it felt so good. Even though I only really had four hours from the time I left work until I went to bed, it felt like a lot longer because I had solitude. I didn't have to think about work. I didn't have to think about what was next. I could just be.
I think that is what's key about Hermit Time, the ability to just be, to not be worried about what's next, or what deadline needs to be met, or about carrying on a conversation, or about meeting expectations. The need for solitude is a strange one in our society because everyone believes that in order to be happy you have to be surrounded by people, but being surrounded by people actually makes me very unhappy as I feel like I am on stage and not being my true self. I especially feel that way at work where I am having to meet other people's expectations instead of being able to be myself.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful I had the evening alone
I'm grateful that work was fairly innocuous
I'm grateful for the beautiful weather
I'm grateful for getting to read and be myself
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May 24, 2019
First Impressions: Finding your own path, walking toward your future
Book: Seeking true understanding, Listening for the voice of God
Guidance: Make room in your life for spiritual matters, take time alone to reflect and look within, stay open as you walk
Journaling:
This card reflects the Cairn by Cairn philosophy I've been working to live by as I work to find my own path in life. What I am finding is that we all do walk alone and although there are people in our lives who can bring us joy and help us, at the end of the day we are responsible for what happens to us. What is interesting for me right now is that I am able to claim the power of this card. John derided me for so long by calling me a hermit and making fun of the fact that I didn't like to go out and meet people. I was content to stay in and read and reflect. He made being a hermit into something ugly, but I'm realizing there is true beauty in being willing to sit with yourself in silence. I think part of the reason he worked to make the hermit an ugly thing is that he was unable and unwilling to sit with his own demons. He could not face the ugliness in his own soul and he worked to drown it out with the TV, with alcohol, and with other people.
I've always been content to be on my own and to read, to reflect, and to just spend time in my own company. That is where I find my strength. It is difficult for me to be around large groups of people who are expecting something from me. That saps my strength and takes my power away. That seems very ironic in that my job is to coach and train large groups of people. However, there is a boundary there in that I have information I am imparting to them. It is a two way communication in that I listen and adjust, but it is not a personal conversation about getting to know people. It is not feeling like a million people are tapping at my soul and wanting to get to know me. However, it does sap my soul and I do need time to recover, which is why I guard my personal time viciously and am very choosy about who I choose to go out with. John had loud drunk and druggie friends and it was very difficult for me to spend time with them.
The period immediately after my divorce was very difficult for me as I had become so accustomed to the chaos that John preferred that I felt uncomfortable sitting alone with my thoughts. Living alone on Hermitage was so difficult for me because all I could do was beat myself up and belittle myself for ending up divorced. However, it was also the best thing for me as I started to rediscover who I was. Finding Al-Anon helped me so much because I learned to create boundaries and I learned the importance of letting go of people who do not support me. It has also helped me to find my way back to spirit and to begin listening again. I've found that listening is hard when you are scared and anxious, but that when you can start to let go of the fear, you can connect with deity.
Exercise:
Take some time to be by yourself today and listen for guidance from the spirits
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April 16, 2018
First Impressions: Solitude, Holding a light up for others
Book: Lantern to light the way, beacon to others
Guidance: You must realize this is a solitary path, distraction may hinder divination
Journaling
There are so many meanings to this card. It can mean choosing a path of silent contemplation. I'm realizing that this card is really a reminder to me to take the time for myself that I need to meditate and journal. I've been so busy that I haven't really made time for me. I've prioritized everyone else before me and it's showing. I've let other people make their failure to plan my problem.
January 2, 2019 Revisit
This is an interesting card for me as I usually read it positively as taking time for myself and taking care of my own needs. However, some of the work I'm doing with Daring to Love has me asking whether or not I am using the time alone as a time to isolate and avoid interaction. I don't know what the right answer is. I know that for me, time alone feels special, but I also know that I can use time alone to avoid other people and to avoid social connections. I think the key is that I need to figure out what the right mix is for me.
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March 25, 2018
First Impressions: Silent, contemplative, listening to inner wisdom
Book: Lighting the darkness and guide to others, lamp of wisdom, journey is more important than the destination
Guidance: Answers may come from within yourself, meditate
Journaling
I love the Hermit card as it is a card of introspection and solitude. It is a card of finding the answers within yourself. I know I feel more complete this week than I have felt in the past and I'm ready to face what's next. I feel complete as if parts of myself are truly home. There are still some missing pieces, but I need to integrate these four pieces before I look for any more.
December 25, 2018 Revisit
This card seems so fitting this year as I have felt myself change and shift as I've worked to let go of absolutes and to live more in the now and less in the past. This exercise of going through my old journals and reviewing them has been immensely helpful as it has truly let me see where I have been. I'm at a point in my life where I am really proud of who I am and of how hard I have worked to get here.
I also love the reminder that this is about lighting the darkness as that is where I have been this solstice. I've been all about the candles and the light and less about the flashy decorations. I still love all my ornaments and those things are important to me, but I'm more about being in the light.
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December 25, 2016
First Impressions: Go within, listen to your inner wisdom
Book: Self knowledge, withdraw, contemplate what you know, solitude, self examination
Guidance: Do not withdraw too long
Journaling
What a perfect card to draw today. This reflects where I am and my need to listen to my body. I've been feeding it sugar to shut it up, but my body is just screaming louder and louder . My life is finally starting to be what I want, but I am killing myself with sugar.
Dearest Beloveds,
Please change me into someone with natural health and vitality who does not need sugar to make it through the day. Please help me to be someone with natural vitality who feels good with her body and treats her body with respect.
July 7, 2018
It's interesting that this was Christmas and I didn't touch on that once. I'm not sure why. We had a good Christmas that year and a beautiful treat that was in front of the window. We didn't know it at the time, but it was Luke's last Christmas with us.
John always called me a hermit and i always took offense, but I'm realizing that he was right, i am a hermit. I don't like parties and crowds and that there is nothing wrong with that. It's okay to to be a hermit and not a social butterfly. I'm finally learning to truly accept me for me and embrace who I am. That is so huge for me.
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November 9, 2016
Card: Pulled Reversed
First Impressions: Be active, make your voice count
Book: Trusting our inner guides, deepening of our soul work, ignoring wisdom, being imprudent
Guidance: Look before you leap
Journaling
Interesting card to pull as I was just reflecting on the fact that I do need to make my voice hard and not only vote at the ballot box but also with my time. What I don't know is if this applies to X as well. I love spending time with one, but should I let go and move on. I don't know the answer to that and until I do, I think I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing.
July 5, 2019 Revisit
It's always so interesting and a little sad to read these posts when I was moving on and showing progress, but there was still a part of me that really thought I needed someone else to be complete. I've realized in the last three years that I am complete in and of myself and that I don't need anyone else to make me whole. That has been one of the hardest lessons I've learned in my life and I think that is because it was so pounded into my head by my mother and by society that I wasn't whole unless I was with someone else so it was really hard to undo the damage that that lesson had done and begin to think of myself as a complete person in and of myself.
As I reflect on this, I am sad about the years I wasted believing that I was not a whole person all by myself, but I am so glad that I woke up and realized that I can be anything I want to be (assuming I have the skills, capabilities, etc.). That's a pretty amazing lesson and I am plunging into my life and really enjoying it and working to be my best self.
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October 10, 2016
Card: Pulled Reversed
First Impressions: Reserved, be outgoing, seek advice
Book: Not heeding wise counsel, need for more spiritual development, greater introspection, petulant to elders
Guidance: Get out of yourself, don't over analyze
Journaling
For me, the hermit reversed is about the need to be around people and engage in life instead of retreating. One of the reasons work bothers me so much is it is difficult for me to make friends and have a social life I'm realizing that I need friends in my life and people who love me. The problem is that I don't know how to get form here to there. Maybe it is not up to me to find the solution. Maybe the path truly is to let go and maybe it will all work out.
May 12, 2018 Revisit
I still don't have friends. But I've signed up to volunteer at a couple of places so maybe I will meet people. I'm realizing that the problem is not only my crazy work schedule, but also the fact that I need downtime after being around people all the time. It is very taxing for me to have to be on all the time.
Dearest ones,
Please help me find a solution
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