May 9, 2022
First Impressions: Riding through the scary woods, determination, being cheered on
Book: Caution, diligence
Guidance: No matter what the band plays on
Journaling:
One of the things that strikes me about this card is that the knight is facing forward. He is walking head on into whatever he needs to face. He is not skirting it or trying to avoid it. He is walking forward into whatever comes next. This is a lesson that I need to learn as sometimes I think I try to avoid things or try to be too nice about things. One of the things that I am learning in my job is to face things head on and not pussy foot. I'm learning that just like in marriage, people don't always read between the lines so you need to be very clear about what the expectations are. That doesn't mean that people will meet your expectations, but the more clear you are, the more likely that is to happen.
Where: I went in to the office today and hung out with Dawn for a while, but I'm home now and hanging out with Clark. I did spend some time cleaning my room and that felt good. I know I just have to take it in small bites.
Weather: It is beautiful out today. It is one of those beautiful spring days.
Moon Phase: First quarter, 55%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:11 am / 8:33 pm
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Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: The pentacle is a crystal ball and it is illuminated with knowing. The image in the back initially struck me as a funky building, but then I realized it was robotized musicians.
Book: Caution, diligence, egolessness, stamina
Guidance: No matter what the band plays on
Journaling:
This card is about continuing to put one foot in front of the other and getting done what needs to get done. I did this today. I had good meetings at work, then I got on that plane and got myself home. We had a good dinner together and I spent a little time planning for the next day.
I think part of the message of this card to me is to quit focusing on the bullshit. There is garbage at work going on, but I need to just let that go and focus on what I can get done. I need to keep my eyes on the prize and not get distracted by all the garbage. I need to focus on school, on working through my trauma and issues, and on doing what needs to be done. I need to let go of all the garbage.
Where: I started the day at the hotel in Kansas City, MO, then flew to Detroit, then drove home. It was an extremely long day, but the reward was that I got Smoky Bones for dinner. I love their ribs as they are so tasty and fall off the bone.
Weather: The weather in KC was bright and clear and when I got home, it was a little chilly, but not horrible.
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 61
Sunrise / Sunset:
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January 19, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: The Ox is front and center in this card as she is looking right at the viewer while the knight is in profile. The message to me for this card is carrying the load and making it work.
Journaling:
Pulling this card today tells me to buckle down and do what needs to be done. It's telling me to deal with the snow, to make arrangements for the window, to do my work and to just do it. It doesn't mean I have to go fast or win the race, I just need to put one foot in front of the other and get done what needs to get done. I need to dig in and take care of all the little things that just need to be done. The things that are not flashy and exciting, but that move the world forward.
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January 1, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Master of his domain, black and white thinking, grounded
Book: Efficiency, hard work, determination
Guidance: Strong, loyal, determined, getting things done
Journaling
Heitsi-Eibib is the child of the ox who magically gave birth to him and he shares characteristics with the ox including being strong and loyal. When I look at this card, it is the ox that takes center stage for me as she is looking out of the card while Heitsi-Eibib is viewed in profile. From a Totem perspective, oxen are reliable, fair, patient, and conscientious. These are good attributes to have.
What's funny as I reflect on drawing a card that is grounded and centered is that in the not so distant past, I would have viewed this card as dull and boring as I'd rather have the flashy knight of swords, but the past few years have taught me that decency is a highly underrated quality. There is a lot to be said for decency and reliability and I've learned that those are characteristics to be cherished and not mocked.
I believe this card is telling me to show up and be reliable for myself, for my family, and for my job. Reliability isn't sexy or flashy, but it gets the job done and that's what I'm being asked to do right now.
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August 19, 2019
First Impressions: Earthly, blossoms in the field, creating
Book: Turning ideas into reality, visionary
Guidance: Use your drive to create
Journaling
I was afraid I was going to get bogged down in emotional stuff today or not get anything done because of constant emails, etc. However, I kicked ass and took names today as I worked through a proposal, got an SOW reviewed, and did a lot of other work. I also made some time to work on school work. Most importantly, Cindy and I are collaborating on a proposal to do research to study the best way to roll out Cultural / Spiritual Competency assessments. This is something that Templeton actually is interested in so we might actually get a grant.
One of the things I've had to relearn lately is that when I am stressed and overwhelmed, I default to old coping mechanisms that aren't healthy for me or for anyone in my life. My emotions have been all over the place because I've been struggling with feeling guilt and anger over Cam getting assaulted. I know a lot of it is because I feel totally out of control and as if there is nothing that I can do about it. All I can do is pray that things will work and that is annoying me and pissing me off because I want to control the outcome. I don't trust the court system and having to trust them is annoying and makes me angry.
However, I also know that when I let myself get all swirly over what I think the outcomes are going to be, I cause myself problems and unnecessary angst. I was all swirly over my conversation with Ted tonight and it turned out to be a good conversation. Now whether or not anything comes of it, I don't know. I may still have to report to Jamie, but at least I've had my case heard and been listened to. That's something.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful I got the proposal for OV done
I'm grateful for the good call with Joe
I'm grateful for the great conversation with Ted
I'm grateful for feeling supported
I'm grateful for Rising Appalachia
I'm grateful for the amazing watermelon
July 23, 2019
Deck: World Spirit Tarot
First Impressions: Strength, being motivated, reliable, having goals
Book: Worker bee, wanting stability, serving others with a glad heart
Guidance: Take a meditative and sacred approach to life
Journaling:
The knights are not always my favorite cards as some of them seem a little flaky, but I like this card as it seems to be about taking a responsible approach to life and doing the work required to move forward. I don't like the message of serving others with a glad heart because I grew up with someone who believed that my life had no meaning and that it was all about others. However, since I've been able to let go of Charlene's bullshit, I've realized that when I take care of myself and make sure that I have what I need, I am able to serve others with a glad heart. Part of that is feeling empowered to say no to helping others and by feeling empowered to take care of myself. Her message was to give till it hurts and that is not a good way to live.
Once I realized that I mattered and that it was okay to take care of myself, I was able to take a more sacred approach to live as I realized that everything truly is sacred and that approaching life and the people I meet as sacred helps me to be more grounded and to live a more peaceful life. The other thing that helps is accepting that I'm not perfect and I don't need to be. All I need to be is good enough.
Gratitudes
I'm grateful for the great guidance from John
I'm grateful for Sean
I'm grateful for Cam for taking care of doggos
I'm grateful for the yummy caprese salad
I'm grateful for a safe place to lay my head
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May 2, 2017
Deck: Herbal Tarot
First Impressions: Solid, reliable, gets things done
Book: Stable, Reliable, and loyal, teaching wisdom through actions and accomplishments
Guidance: Watch so as not to be overcritical of others, heal yourself first, stagnation, appreciate your elegance and beauty
Affirmation: I'm being in tune with mother earth and I strengthen and heal myself
Journaling
I needed the message to pay attention to my body. I abuse my body with food. Something goes wrong and I overeat to make myself feel beter. I need to start traveling as that keeps me grounded and in a better place. It is hard to have a routine when I'm working at home.
May 5, 2017 Revisit
I have started to pay attention to how I treat myself and I'm realizing that I'm really not nice to me. I use food to reward myself, then beat myself up when the food makes me feel bad.
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October 17, 2016
Deck: Fairie Tarot
First Impressions: Solid, Grounded
Book: I want the job done right, I better do it myself. Good soldier, practical, purposeful, methodical, rational, resourceful
Guidance: Ground yourself, focus on the day to day, take care of yourself
Journaling
I need this message today as I am battling something nasty and I am reminded to be practical and take care of myself and my surroundings. I just need to focus on what needs to be done. There is no need to get angry or upset. I just need to be practical and grounded.
May 25, 2018
I truly love what I wrote here, even though it was not very much because it shows that I was all about taking care of myself and putting myself first. I wasn't berating myself for being sick or saying that I had to do everything in in the world for everyone else. I was kind and loving to myself and said that I mattered and that I needed to put myself first.
Wow! That was huge for me as usually I am all about denying my own needs and putting everyone else's first. I am so incredibly proud of me for writing that. I love reading through my old journals as they show me that I am truly growing and changing and that I am being a better friend to myself and am getting so much better at taking care of me.
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September 27, 2016
Deck: Hanson-Roberts
First Impressions: The horns on his helmet tie him to earth bound animals like stags and he stands in front of a plowed field which also ties him to the element of earth. Interestingly, his cloak looks like it is made of feathers. Overall, this knight looks to be strong and and driven.
Book: Methodical, rational, stable, kind and gentle, slow and steady, sensuous and passionate
Guidance: Be patient and methodical
Journaling:
As I was reading this, it struck me as sounding like it was about someone I know, but this reading was not about him and is about me. One of the biggest lessons I'm learning right now is that I need to make my life about me and not about other people. It is all too easy to get caught up in the swirliness and make it about other people. My life matters and it is not just about other people I feel like I'm drowning in emotions right now and I'm getting a chest cold, which means I am feeling some grief about something or other. I'm feeling wave after wave of sadness and I feel as if I still have mourning to do, but I am afraid to feel those emotions because I don't know if I have what it takes to pull myself out of that dark place again. My heart hurts and I don't know why. I do know that grief is not linear and that there is no time table for grief, but that doesn't make it any easier when I feel these emotions. However, I have learned over the past few years that they are emotions and they cannot hurt me.
My reaction to an email is just that an emotion. Even though I feel exposed, it is just an emotion. I am fine. I am grounded in reality and I am fine. I need to pull some cards tonight about my mom and try to make sense of that situation. Part of me feels that I am vilifying her because I can't vilify my dad. I feel like an orphan today. Even though I know there are people in my life who love me, I feel like a lost child.
December 23, 2017 Review
Wow! This was immensely powerful and shows so much growth. This is the reason I think it is important to review and keep my journals because they do let me see how much I've grown and changed. One of the most important lessons I've learned recently is that it is okay to talk myself off the ledge. I used to think that my emotions were sacrosanct and that I had no right to interfere with them. If I was feeling depressed or cranky or angry or sad, I just had to let the emotion run its course. However, recently I've learned that it is okay to to talk myself off the ledge. It is okay to virtually give that lost child a hug and help her through it. I do not have to let the emotions rule my life. That is so powerful and intense.
January 1, 2022 Update
It was pretty amazing to read through these old journal entries and see the growth. Interestingly enough, I'm also sick today as my lungs feel clogged with a bunch of junk. I don't know if it is a reaction to my Covid vaccine or something else. It could also be grief as this is a heavy week for me. My Grandma Thursa's birthday would have been the 26th, my Grandma Elda's birthday would have been the 29th, and my Dad's birthday would have been the 30th. They were all on my mind recently as I raised a glass in rememberance.
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| Explorer of Earth Gaian Tarot |
Journaling:
I feel unbalanced and ungrounded as if I was being buried instead of supported. I feel disconnected and uprooted. I long for roots and a strong support system, but I feel my efforts to get that strong support system constantly fail. Is this about a lack of trust in the earth? Do I feel as if I can't trust the gods to have my back even though they have shown time and time again that I am taken care of and that they do have my best interests at heart? There have been so many times when I thought things were horrible, but they turned out for the best.
December 25, 2017
Interesting card. I still don't feel as if I have a strong support system and I still feel as if there isn't anyone I can trust other than a few people. I did make an honest effort to go to church, but that didn't turn out too well. I was really really hurt when those bitches didn't even say I hope your daughter feels better or that she's okay. I thought that was a pretty horrible way to treat someone and after that I decided I wanted nothing to do with those people.
I was also talking to Cam and I think part of the reason I don't want anything to do with the UUs is that when you go to a UU church there is no energy or faith. They people want to get together and worship, but it is not truly worship as they don't believe in something bigger than themselves. I do believe in something bigger than myself and I have faith.
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