July 29, 2022
First Impressions: I love this knight as he has such a steely look in his eyes. He is going off to do battle and vanquish he enemy and he knows it.
Book: Mischief, impending struggle, courage, combat, enemy
Guidance: Defend your boundaries
Journaling:
I love the idea of this knight defending my boundaries. I have been doing so much better about defending my boundaries and not overcommitting to things that don't add value in my life. Work could be all consuming, but I'm choosing not to let it be. However, as I think about boundaries, I think about the physical boundaries in life and people intruding upon my time. What I don't think about when I think about boundaries is people getting into my head. I don't do a good job of defending those boundaries as I let people take up space in my head rent free. I ruminate about the Evil M. I ruminate about what people think of me. I ruminate about all types of things and that is not doing a good job of keeping my boundaries.
It's interesting that this came up and it probably did because I came across this great image on Facebook
about what's in my control and what's out of my control. What other people think of me is one of the big things that is outside of my control and because I worry about what other people think, I often act like an idiot. That was the case over the last couple of days as I sat in meetings with people and worried that people thought I was stupid or old or whatever. The truth of the matter is that people most likely weren't thinking of me at all. I grew up always worried about what people thought as a survival mechanism. If people liked me, they would take care of me. If they didn't, I would be left out in the cold. A lot of that has carried over into, if people like me, I will be employed. However, the reality is that people only think about you if you are a total jerk and I work hard to be nice and polite.
However, I don't worry about people thinking I'm not polite, I spend a lot of time worrying about whether or not people will think I am weird. I worry that the Open Table people think I'm weird or awkward, I worry that people at work think I'm weird or awkward. I think about not having friends. The reality is that maybe people think I'm awkward because I worry about people thinking I'm weird or awkward. I really just need to let all that go.
Where I'm At: It's first thing in the morning and I'm sitting on the couch with Wendy. Clark is snoring in he orange chair.
Weather: It's 67 degrees out
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent 1%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:16 / 8:48
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May 7, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Dedication, moving forward
Book: Courage, swiftness, commitment to ideals
Guidance: Time flies--Take Action before it is too late
Journaling:
All I want to do today is to sleep and not think about anything. My body is so tired and exhausted. It feels as if I have been fighting a war my entire life. There are small bits of peace, then it is time to get on the horse and keep fighting. I don't want to keep fighting. All I want to do is have peace. I want to live my life and be happy.
I'm tired of fighting people who want to tell me how to live my life. I do not understand how people think they have the right to tell other people what to do and how to live their lives. My view of the world is that if someone is doing something that doesn't hurt me, it's none of my business.
Where: I'm home today and I am not feeling well. All I want to do is sleep. My body is processing a lot of trauma from Roe, to memories and flashbacks, to all the crap that is going on in the world.
Weather: It is a little cold out today, but bright and clear and Wendy just wants to be outside. She is the biggest sun dog I've ever seen and it makes me sad to think that she is that way because she didn't get to see the sun when she was younger.
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent, 36%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:13 / 8:31
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April 10, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Defend yourself, time flies, protect those who need it
Book: Courage, swiftness, commitment to ideals (Reversed: needless battle)
Guidance: Time flies--Take Action before it is too late
Journaling:
It's interesting as the two things that jumped out about this card were needless battles and taking time. One of the things that I'm realizing is that a lot of my internal drama with some of the idiots at work is mine. They are just being who they are and I make it about me. YMAN is a jackass to everyone and it isn't about me at all. The Evil M thinks she is better than everyone and is so desperate to impress G. that she throws anyone under the bus that she can because she wants to trample her way to the top. And T man is so naïve that he thinks it is all about him and that he gets to boss everyone around. My boss sees all those things and I don't need to point them out. My job is to just do my job the best way I know how and let all the bullshit swirl around me. I don't need to buy into any of it.
The second piece is also intriguing as I know my days are ticking down. I'm not on a fast ride down the mountain, but I'm 55 and I know I don't have as many years left as I did when I was 20. I think that makes things more poignant and helps me to realize that I need to make choices as to what's good for me and not worry so much about everything else. One of the things I love about traveling is that hotel rooms are so clean focused. There isn't so much crap around to trip over and distract me. When I get home, I'm going to do some clean up and get rid of things that are just dust collectors.
Where: I'm in Modesto and the weather is amazing. I had a great day. I started by wandering through a farmer's market in Windsor, CA. It is an adorable little town and it would be so awesome to live in a town where everything is accessible and people know your name. It doesn't have to be in California, but I just love the family vibe in the town. Then I had breakfast at this adorable place called the Omelette Express. The food was amazing and really hit the spot. I spent a couple of hours driving from Windsor to Modesto and just enjoying the day. Then I finished my paper that was due and now I'm blogging. A perfect day.
Weather: The weather is absolutely spectacular. It is not too warm, but just right. I'm sitting in my hotel room right now watching the sun go down.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 62%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:54 am / 8:01 pm
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February 18, 2022
Deck: Light Seer's Tarot
First Impressions: Running to catch up, soaring free
Book: Fast action, determination, action hero, going when there is something to be done
Guidance: Go! Go! Go! And Win
Journaling:
This is an interesting card to pull today as I've been reading a book about the power of slow and this card doesn't mesh with that energy. However, the one piece of the reading that resonates with me is the need to be decisive and make decisions instead of getting stuck with analysis paralysis. This card is also about seeing what you want and going after it. It is about being focused and determined. Those are good traits even if the pace I go after it is slow.
Where I'm At: It's almost 5 am and I wasn't able to sleep all night. I'm sitting on the couch with Wendy cuddled up against my butt. She's snoring (loudly), but she is so adorable and so happy to be snuggled with her mommy, that I can't be mad or upset.
Mood: Despite being super tired, I'm in a good mood as I only have to work until noon today and only have two meetings.
Weather: It is cold and snowy outside. It's also a little icy as it rained before it snowed yesterday.
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 97%
Sunrise / Sunset: 7:17 am / 6:03 pm
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Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Spark of intelligence and learning
Book: An action that allows a dark cloud to be split and sunny days shine through
Guidance: Be decisive
Journaling
Cam has been my sword cutting through the dark clouds this week. I'm enjoying this week so much and I really don't want to have to go back to work and deal with all the BS that that entails. I want to figure out how to live in a world where I can learn and do research all the time and not have to deal with all the BS that my current job entails. Hanging out with Cam and seeing how brave she is and how well she deals with her situation is an inspiration.
One of the things that strikes me about this card is that it is not always possible to be decisive, especially if you believe that spirit leads you. I do believe that I'm being lead and sometimes that means not knowing why I'm doing the things that I'm doing. I'm not sure why I went to this workshop other than to get credit, but I know that I felt led to attend this seminar and connect with these people. However, maybe the decisiveness is about choosing to believe in something greater than myself. Maybe the sword is my belief cutting through the dark cards and letting the light in. I know that when I work hard to move the dark clouds along, I do feel more connected.
questions and I'm realizing that I don't. I don't need to explain why I am going back to school. I don't need to explain why I moved to Cleveland. I don't need to explain any of that to anyone.
The meanings for this card were all over the board. I'm taking from this that I need to be focused with my personal energy and be discriminating with people I meet. I especially need to watch for energy vampires.
Okay, as I think through these meanings, they make a lot of sense. This card is about focusing my energy and using it wisely. It's about watching my energy.
May 14, 2016 Update
I love the meaning of this card as being worthy to speak your ideals.
February 21, 2022
That last sentence from the May 14th update is interesting as I think there are a lot of times where I don't feel worthy to speak my ideals and I let other people speak over me. I am worthy and I have accomplished a lot in my life time. However, I am so tired and I just want to rest and do the things that I want to do.
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