August 25, 2022
Card Name: Two of Thunder
First Impressions: Sadness, curled onto oneself, crying. The seal in this card makes me think of Sedna.
Book: The ocean embraces you, retreat into the peaceful waters
Guidance: I am at home with myself. I am supported by the world around me. I take the time to listen.
Journaling:
I need to have some me time and even though I felt bad saying no to Cam coming with me, I need time alone and I never seem to get it. Every time that the kids are supposed to leave, something comes up and they don't go anywhere. I want time alone in my own house and I never ever get it. And the house just feels like it is filled up with more and more stuff. I know some of it is mine, but a lot of it is the kids.
It is getting really hard to not feel resentful of the kids taking over my house. I love them dearly, but I want space and time alone. I think that's why the thought of buying this house in Sharon and having space for myself is kind of exciting. Maybe someday I will have my house to myself, but I guess the only way I get time alone is to go out of that house. I'm thinking when I buy this house I spend a week at the house and a week in Cleveland. I will also have to make sure I get the yard fenced so that I can let the dogs out. I won't trust them at first. I just have to keep trusting that it is all going to work out.
Where I'm At: I drove to Buffalo today and had a lovely day. It was a beautiful day to drive and I took the long way along the lake and it was just beautiful to see the vineyards and the lake. I really do love living along Lake Erie. I wish I could figure out a way to afford to live along the lake.
Weather: It was an absolutely beautiful day today. The sun was shining and there was just a hint of a breeze. When I got to Buffalo, it was warm, but then there was this beautiful breeze.
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent 3%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:44 / 8:12
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March 9, 2022
Deck: Light Seer's Tarot
First Impressions: Being picked part, this is how I feel when I am overwhelmed with responsibilities and it feels like everyone wants piece of me
Book: Stalemate, a crossroads, opposing ideas
Guidance: Make a choice
Journaling:
As I reflect on this, I realize I am not in a position to make a choice and that's okay. I am physically exhausted, overwhelmed with work and school, and stressed beyond belief by the pandemic. I need a break as I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically broken right now. I need time to take care of me and not have to deal with Wendy whining, the dogs fighting, the kids struggling to find jobs, and all the other stressors that I have in my life. I just need to take a break.
Maybe I do need to go away with Wendy for a weekend. I could find a cabin or someplace that will let me have a dog and she and I could leave on a Friday and come back Sunday afternoon.
Where I'm At: I'm sitting on the couch with Sean and Clark and Wendy is sitting in the orange chair looking sad that Clark is on the couch with us. She's giving me the sad face that's breaking my heart. I am also so exhausted that I can't sleep straight. I haven't gotten a good night sleep all week.
Weather: It is cold and icky outside today
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent 41%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm
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January 4, 2022
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Calming oneself before making a decision, reflection, not making decisions out of blind emotion
Book: Facing fears, precarious position, stalemate, denial
Guidance: When faced with hard choices, they must be made at some point in time. You cannot let them linger too long.
Journaling
The one aspect of this card that is new for me is facing fears. In the past, I've spent a lot of time making decisions out of fear. I was afraid of being broke, I was afraid of not having the money I needed. However, I've never thought about the flip side of the fear which is being trapped in a life I hate. I don't like my job. It bores me, I hate the politics, I feel like nothing I do matters. I stay only because of the money. However, the bad part of that is because I'm unhappy, I spend more than I should which means I have less money and am more trapped.
The truth is that I get bored at once job and jump to one that is doing the exact same thing for someone else. What I really want to be able to do is help people and to make a difference. I don't do that in the job that I'm in. However, I need to stay one more year so I will be vested in my 401K. It would be stupid to walk away from about $20k. I will take this year to explore what fascinates me, to work on my MS in Thanatology, to explore PhD programs and to develop a plan to do something different and to not just jump into another job doing the same thing. I will also spend this year facing my fears of being broke and figure out how I can build some internal security by paying off bills and putting myself into a better financial situation.
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May 5, 2020
Chicory is an interesting plant for me because when I was growing up and we would go on trips with my grandmother, she would always point it out and call it Blue Ruin. As this was in the days before the internet, I had no way of looking it up to see why it was called that and she didn't know either. I did Google it, but couldn't find anything related to it being called Blue Ruin. Why that memory is important is that Chicory (Two of Air) in The Herbcrafter's Tarot is telling me to let go of long held beliefs and to let go of worn-out beliefs and one of the messages that my grandmother hammered into my head was that I needed a man to survive. Starting when I was about 14 or 15 every time I went to visit her, she would ask if I had a boyfriend yet and when I went to college, she wasn't interested in what I was learning or what was happening at school, all she cared about was whether or not I had a boyfriend.
She wasn't the only one that was drilling the message into my head that I needed a man to be whole, my parents were also sending that message. My father made it clear that the only degree he would pay for was an accounting degree because then I could support myself in the event that I had to. When I reflect upon that now, I'm realizing that the message was that supporting myself was a fall back plan because the ideal course of action would be to be supported by a man while I did the "housewifely" things like cooking and cleaning. Why would a woman ever want to support herself? My mother reinforced this idea by expecting everything I did in life to be about someone else. This continued up until the day I had had enough with her and cut her out of my life. That day came when I told her I was separating from my husband and her questions where "How are the kids?" and "There's not going to be a divorce, is there?" There was no concern for me or how I felt, instead it was (as it had always been) about everyone else.
I've worked hard in the last 10 years to learn that I am an amazing and awesome person all by myself and that I don't need someone to support me. That doesn't mean I don't want someone in my life, but it does mean that I've learned that I am a whole human being all by myself.
The Wise Leader reinforces this by reminding me that I can be a beacon for others and I can lead people. This has been a hard lesson for me as well as my father continually reminded me that women were not leaders, women should not be in a position of power over men. The last few years have been about coming into my own as a person and as a leader and I'm realizing that I am strong and that I can stand proud and lead people.
These were awesome cards and a good reminder for me to continue to let go of all the old and hateful lessons.
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September 26, 2019
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Decisions
Book: Looking within to decide whether to continue to protect herself or put down her swords and open herself to something new
Guidance: A choice needs to be made
Journaling
I love the reading on this card as it seems like I always have my swords up, I don't seem to be able to let down my guard and let people in. I also am realizing that I hold in a lot of pain and I don't seem to be able to let it out. I also like to be the hero and that hurts me a lot as it means I give up time with my family and my baby doggie to go and rescue people who have gotten themselves into jams. The thing is I have had my swords up and my shields up for so long that I don't know how to let them down and let people in. I really want to have people in my life who care about me, but that's hard to do when I work this crazy funky job where I travel all the time. I also know that the work and school are distractions that make me feel worthwhile. It seems hard to believe that I am worthy just for being me.
It's interesting that as I started to write this, my shields went up and I didn't even want to go back to the cards as it seemed too painful and too emotional. I've also been reading about breathing meditations and how they ask you to sit with the pain and let it flow. That is hard for me as I've learned that when I start jumping from window to window or thing to thing that there is something that I'm avoiding and this card hit me in the pit of my stomach and that means that I like to think I've let go of the pain and that I'm open to love that I'm really not. There is still a part of me that feels unworthy of love and that feels as if I have to have my shields up to prevent people from seeing how unworthy I really am. It makes me sad that there is a part of me that feels that way and I'm not sure how to reach that little girl deep inside me and comfort her and hold her and tell her that all the people that said mean things were wrong.
I think I need to go back to the inner child meditation and spend some time comforting that scared little girl inside of me. I've done some of that work, but it seems that it is
Gratitudes
I'm grateful my flight was on time
I'm grateful for the good convo with Tom
I'm grateful for the red jeep
I'm grateful Sean arrived safely
I'm grateful that my hotel is quiet
I'm grateful for the Portillos
January 4, 2022 Review
I'd forgotten about this interpretation of the Two of Swords as protecting one's heart. I reread Lisa's interpretation of the card and I realize that I am still protecting my heart. There is a part of me that is really afraid of doing coaching or counseling because, as an empath, I pick up people's pain and to be a good coach, I need to put down my shields and see people's pain and that is terrifying for me. However, maybe another way of looking at it is that I can acknowledge their pain, but I don't have to take it on. If I don't take it on, I can better help guide them. This is something to think about.
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July 16, 2019
Deck: World Spirit Tarot
First Impressions: Actively making a choice, not being passive
Book: Conscious choice to retreat, Confidence, mental agility, peace, and composure are the gifts of this card
Guidance: Go within and calm your mind, listen closely to your intuition, stay connected to your feelings, do not run away, be prepared to take action
Journaling
I love this card as it shows someone who is not being passive and not just sitting there waiting for a decision to happen. It seems this person is actively choosing to make a decision and accepts that going within is part of that process. What I sometimes struggle with in going within is letting go of the fear and the mental chatter as those are the two things that always trip me up. What helps is when I am able to let go of my preconceptions and choose to listen to the goddess. When I can do that, I can listen to my intuition. I know that I am being led right now and I'm not sure exactly what the path is, but I know that there is a path and it is being shown to me.
There is a part of me that would just love to say F* it and go live on a mountaintop somewhere and not have any worries or responsibilities. However, the truth of the matter is that we always have responsibilities and we always have cares and worries. I think I'm still feeling jealous because even though on paper I have the better life, it seems that John has the less stressed life as he just gets to live on government funding in North Carolina while I have to work my ass off to keep moving forward. In my perfect world, I'd spend all day doing research and writing, but I don't live in my perfect world and I need to pay the bills. I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep working to figure things out. At the end of the day, that is really all I can do.
What my intuition is also telling me about this card is that I need to make some time to actively search for my right path. I need to make some time where I can let go of all the weirdness and all the work and just go within.
Gratitudes
Cam was accepted into the English program
Cindy is looking forward to our meeting
I am feeling a little better
Yummy Greek potatoes
Good Steering Committee
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November 20, 2017
Deck: Gilded Tarot
First Impressions: Decisions
Book: Experiencing conflict between logic and intuition, battle between head and heart remains unsolved
Guidance: You have to decide, lock on the decision and decide, pretending it isn't there, won't make it go away
Journaling
I've made my decision. I'm going to manifest a relationship with X. I know the risks an I know the potential hurt, but I'm ready to move forward. Life is not without risk and pain and unless I embrace this fully, it will not happen. No more wimpy magick that says or something better. There is no something better. He is who I want and that's that. And I'm not going to focus on the downsides or how it will play out, I'm going for it.
November 25, 2017 Review
Making a decision to truly commit and go for it is a little difficult, but I'm ready. I've been working on letting go of all the excuses I've come up with for it not working and I'm done making excuses.
I am worthy and I deserve happiness.
November 9, 2018 Review
I'm realizing that it truly is because I am worthy and deserve happiness that the relationship with X did not happen. I'm realizing that at the end of the day, a relationship between us would not have worked. While he lives in my work world, he doesn't live in my spiritual world and that just wouldn't work. I've realized that while I was not the desperate divorcee that became a barfly, I was desperate in my own way and chased someone that would have been equally bad for me because I was lonely and had no self esteem. Now that I am truly valuing myself, I'm realizing that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that wouldn't work.
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April 19, 2017
Deck; Herbal tarot
Card: Pulled Reversed
First Impressions: Make a decision
Book: Beginning of a new cycle. Integrating logic and intuition. Tranquility and balance. Deception and being blind to deception
Guidance: Guard against indecision. Listen to heart's wisdom. Make the decision
Affirmation: I make decisions
Journaling
I'm not sure how to read this card. It could be about someone being indecisive about a decision or about making bad choices.
Don't drown in a sea of emotions, just take the day as it comes. Use logic as well as intuition. The problem right now is your inability to receive love. It is hard for you to open your heart and trust. Let go of the shield.
January 15, 2022 Revisit
On the messages about letting down the shields and receiving. This is still really hard for me to do as I often assume that people have ulterior motives. However, I will say that loving Luke broke my heart wide open. I loved that boy so much as he was so loving and he seemed to know exactly when I needed him. I also love Wendy and she is such a reminder to love myself because she and I share some of my least favorable characteristics: big, loud, bossy, snores, etc. However, the more I love her, the more than I know I should love myself.
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October 12, 2016
Deck: Faerie Tarot
First Impressions: Decisions
Book: Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment
Guidance: Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust
Journaling
Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now. I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn't what I want. I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago. I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here. For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week.
I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it. I have to learn to trust them.
May 24, 2018 Review
What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago. For the longest time, I've chosen to stay with one foot in each city. However, I'm realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back. I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind. he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go. Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.
I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago.
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May 19, 2016
Deck: Gaian Tarot
Card Name: Two of Air
First Impressions: Soft still voice, stillness, being connected, choosing to listen
Journaling:
This card is about stillness and listening to guidance. It is about having those small voices whispering in my ear. Interesting as I am finally starting to realize that unless things change X and I cannot have a relationship of equals. He loves rescuing and being the knight in shining armor. I don't know if he is capable of having a relationship with equals as he has spent his life rescuing women. he liks to be in that position and when I am really honest with myself, I realize that the times when we were closest were when he was rescuing me.
I don't know if we ever really had an equal relationship or if it has always been an unequal relationship. I've always tried to talk myself out of recognizing his chauvinism, but I know it is there. The small still voice is telling me to walk away.
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