September 7, 2022
First Impressions: This looks like someone is juggling and playing games. It also speaks to black and white thinking with no shades of gray.
Book: My decisions are my power. I create my reality.
Guidance: Give yourself patience and loving care.
Journaling:
This is an interesting portrayal of Justice as it brings justice down to personal decisions and how our own decisions impact our lives. This mirrors my thoughts on Harvest and how we harvest our own actions. It's interesting that this came up as I had lunch with Morrigan and we were talking about being involved with bad people and how we have to let go of blaming ourselves. That struck me because I have been spending a lot of time blaming myself for being with and staying with John. However, the truth is that he was a master manipulator and he used my kind heart against me. He knew that if he said everyone else had left him that I would stay. I know he used brutality and putdowns against me, but the truth is that he also used my own kindness.
He claimed I was a bitch, but he knew that I had a kind and loving heart and that I worked to think the best of people and he used that against me. Of course, now I'm beating myself up for not seeing through it and letting myself be manipulated, but the truth is that it is difficult not to fall prey to a master manipulator and I need to let go of feeling guilty for that. I don't like going through life and thinking the worst of everyone and I should not always have to have my guard up.
Where I'm At: I went in to the office today and Dickwad Brian walked past me without speaking to me again. How absolutely childish! I did get a lot of things done.
Weather: It was a beautiful day out today.
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous 88%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:57/7:50
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July 30, 2021
Deck: Secrets of the Rose Tarot
First Impressions: This is an absolutely beautiful card. I love how the sword is holding up the scales and how her eyes are wide open, but she is not looking right at you. The stars on the card remind me of the Star card.
Book: Equilibrium, impartiality, Trial and verdict, the righting of the balance, Justice restored, probity, equity, integrity, honesty, vindication
Guidance: Trust justice will be provided
Journaling:
I struggle with the concept of justice as it seems that nasty people get ahead and they just get their lawyers to buy them out of trouble. It feels like Trump is the biggest criminal of them all, but he may never truly face justice as he is good at maneuvering. It also feels like there is no such thing as economic justice as nasty people like Trump have money while I have to work and scrape for everything I have.
However, maybe that is the point for me. I am privileged, but I also know what it is like to be poor, so maybe my role is to be that go between and to help people who are not privileged understand what it means to not have enough money to pay their bills.
Where I'm At: I'm home today and I've spent the last day or so working on getting the house cleaned up. It's getting there, but once I get it clean, I'm not sure how I'll keep it clean. I also went to the Farmer's Market today and it was awesome to see all the people and to get such goodies. I so love getting produce that was grown locally.
Weather: It was absolutely beautiful out when I went to the market. It has started to get a little warmer, but it is still nice.
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent 3%
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:17 / 8:47
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July 4, 2022
Deck: Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot
First Impressions: Justice is black, which is a good thing with all the bullshit going on in the world today. Justice is blind and standing in a field of flowers
Book: Fairness, karma, accountability, truth
Guidance: Intuition and action
Journaling:
I don't even know what justice is anymore. It feels as if there is no justice in this country. We had a black man killed by cops with 60 wounds, we've had 6 people who were at a parade murdered in cold blood, and the so-called justices on SCOTUS are just about taking about women's rights. It feels like justice doesn't exist anymore and I feel angry, betrayed, and helpless. It feels like there is nothing that I can do to make the world right anymore. I have to be honest and say that I don't even want to leave the house anymore. I'm afraid of being gunned down at the grocery store, at a concert, or anywhere else in public. In so many ways it just feels safer to stay at home. It also scares me that Sean goes out and about for work. I don't know what the solution is, but I'm afraid.
This is more than being personally afraid, this is being afraid of the world. I have never been afraid of the world before, but I am now. The government refuses to do anything about guns and fucking SCOTUS just ruled that it is okay to open carry. I honestly don't know what to do.
Where I'm At: I'm at home with the doggos and we are chilling in the living room. I refuse to celebrate or acknowledge the fourth of July because this country is in a death spiral
Weather: It is warm and light outside
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent, 25%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 / 9:04
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May 22, 2022
Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Overseeing, flight, seen from above
Book: Justice, karma, integrity, honesty, self examination of motive
Guidance: Justice is not and cannot be blind
Journaling:
This is an interesting card to pull after my reading yesterday and my dreams. I dreamed of the night that John beat me and my brain tried to figure out an out. How could I have escaped the situation and had him face the justice that he deserves. I don't know if there is another way out. However, I do know that he is facing his karma right now. His karma is that he lives alone in a house that he can't even afford to maintain. I know there are pieces of my house that I need to fix, but when my window cracked, I had the money to fix it.
It makes me mad that he isn't paying for his crimes through the courts, but maybe this is better. He is alone and broke. They are telling me that I need to let it go and know that he is facing what he needs to face.
Where: I've been hanging out on the couch all day. There are days I just feel so trapped and as if I should really get out and move around more. I know I would probably feel better if I got up and around, but the inertia is really hard to overcome.
Weather: It is actually really nice outside. It is a little chilly, but not too cold.
Moon Phase: Last Quarter, 53%
Sunrise / Sunset: 5:59 / 846
July 4, 2022
Justice is an interesting concept and I don't know if John is facing justice or if it is just a coincidence. I have to be really honest and say that with everything that is going on in the world lately, I don't know if there is justice.
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April 13, 2022
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Deck: Tarot of Little Secrets
First Impressions: Not firmly balanced, a little off kilter
Book: Justice, karma, integrity, honesty, self examination of motive
Guidance: Justice is not and cannot be blind
Journaling:
There is so much juiciness in the reading for this card. The self examination of motive talks to me today because sometimes I do have ulterior motives. I'm asking that about my conversation with John yesterday. Did I want to put the Quality team down so I looked like a savior? To be honest, I don't think so because they could have reached out to John directly and expressed their feelings. I was trying to make it about the situation and not about people. I think I was clumsy in my attempt, but I do think my motives to have everyone get along were pure.
The other piece that speaks to me is that justice cannot be blind. I think that justice should be blind, but isn't. And because justice is not blind for rich white dudes who can afford the best lawyers, it can't be blind for poor people of color. Justice has to take into account the systematic issues that created some situations. However, I do think there are crimes where their our no systematic issues and the criminals are just jerks (i.e. Cam's assailant).
Where: It's 6:45 in the morning and I'm sitting in my Modesto hotel room getting ready for the day to start. I love having first things in the morning to sit and reflect and meditate. It is a little sliver of alone time. I need to figure out how to make this work at home.
Weather: It's currently 39 degrees out, but it is clear and will be up to 65 today. It looks like it will be one of those warm and sunny California days
Moon Phase: Waning, Gibbous, 87
Sunrise / Sunset: 6:30 am / 7:38 PM
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December 28, 2021
Deck: Tarot of the Divine
First Impressions: Balance, fierce, no mercy, mysterious
Book: Power wielded with both intelligence and impartiality
Journaling
The Amhaeng-Eosa were secret royal inspectors in the Joseon Kingdom (1392-1897) of Korea who were appointed directly by the king. They were sent out to uncover corruption and punish wrong doers. As I reflect on their mission and this card, I realize that that there is much in this card that can apply to my personal life.
Be Balanced
For me, yin-yang symbol in this card reminds me that sometimes I need to be forthcoming about who I am and what I want and other times I need to be less circumspect. This is interesting for me as historicaly, I have liked to be front and center with my needs as I'm afraid that if I don't say what I want, I wont' get it. I have never been one for hiding in the shadows and waiting to be introduced. However, as I reflect on this card I realize that sometimes there is value in staying in the shadows and observing. I do know from my professional world that sometimes there is tremendous benefit in watching and observing. You can learn a lot from people by observing their behavior when they don't know they are being watched.
Own Your Identity
The secret royal inspectors carried mapae with them. These mapae served a dual purpose as they had horses carved on them and the secret royal inspector was entitled to commandeer as many horses as were carved on the mapae. These mapae were also used to identify the secret royal inspectors. For me, this means owning my identity and being true to who I am.
Know Your Boundaries
The Amhaeng-Eosa were backed by the king, as evidenced by the palance on this card. They had set authority and tasks they were expected to complete. This translates to boundaries for me as I need to know what my authority is and what I'm willing to accept from other people. In the past, I have not been good about maintaining boundaries and I have let other people walk all over me.
Enforcement
The sword is how I enforce my boundaries. Swords were used in the past to settle disputes and to punish wrong doers. While I may not physically wield a sword to cut the head off a wrong doer, I can wield a sword to enforce my boundaries by being clear about what I will and will not accept. This is a good reminder for me as I have a boss who believes in playing nice and maintaining the peace. However, my past experience has taught me that there are people in this world that you need to be firm with and that you need to be very clear to the point of being harsh about what is and is not acceptable. Although this doesn't always win friends, it is important to stand up for yourself.
July 4, 2022
This is one of the most in-depth readings I have every done and there is a lot here that speaks to me and that is juicy and rich. One of the things that I am struggling with right now is knowing my identity. I feel like I live a dichotomous life as I have to do the stupid corporate thing at work, but that's not really who I am. I need to live a life that is more in-tune with my values, but I don't know how to get there.
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September 4, 2019
Deck: Tarot de St. Croix
First Impressions: Seeing justice
Book: Wisdom and balance, need to think about the consequences of our actions
Guidance: Carefully weigh the outcomes to make sure you achieve balance before acting
Journaling
This is an interesting card for me right now because I feel like my life is all tangled up in the justice system and that my family's happiness depends upon what 12 random people decide about a random person who choose to hurt my daughter. When I put it that way, it seems ridiculous that I would give those 12 random people so much power over my happiness, but my random brain and my emotions are not always connected and there is a part of me deep down inside that doesn't believe in trusting justice. At the heart of all of this is a lack of trust as it is so difficult for me to trust anyone even people who have proven themselves over and over to be trustworthy.
My fear / distrust of the justice system is also driven by the fact that when I was in high school and hit by a truck, the justice system refused to award me just compensation. The insurance company was allowed to not pay out and when we went to court, we did not receive just compensation. I believe that lies at my fear of the justice system, the belief that for some reason justice will not prevail. That is an interesting and odd way to look at things, but I think that is at the heart of a lot of what I'm feeling. I feel as if the justice system proved itself untrustworthy once so why should I trust it again. Even though my brain knows that this is a completely different situation, my heart still thinks that justice is messed up. I think the only thing that is going to help is time and patience and repeatedly letting go of my fears.
Gratitude
I'm grateful that Scott told me what OV said
I'm grateful for the good call with Doty
I'm grateful for the good conversation with John
I'm grateful that I got a good night's sleep
I'm grateful for snuggling with Wendy
September 4, 2022
So the justice system sort of worked as he did get penalized. However, what has been amazing to me has been how Cam has been able to let go and move on with her life. I know she is still hurting, but she doesn't have the vicious anger that I have. She's been able to claim her victimhood and know that this is about him and not about her. I'm getting there with my ability to claim victimhood, but it is still hard for me.
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May 30, 2019
Deck: World Spirit tarot
First impressions: Fairness, sense of honesty
Book: Seeing all sides clearly, taking responsibility for our actions
Guidance: Be honest with yourself and others
Journaling
I don't like this reading today. I picked this card because the bastard that raped my daughter was arrested this week and I want him to get justice. Okay, that's not truly accurate as I want vengeance. I want him to suffer the worst that life has to offer. I want his body, mind, and soul to be destroyed. However, I don't trust the justice system to deliver anything anywhere near justice. He has pleaded guilty and has a public defender, which means the odds are more in our favor than if he could afford a private attorney, but I still don't trust the justice system.
Lady Justice,
Please let him pay for his crimes.
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Deck: Gilded Tarot
First Impressions: I love this card as it shows justice in a triangle with the sun the bottom and her holding two arms of the triangle. It is a striking card. Justice is blind. Reversed this card says I'm not making balanced decisions.
Book: Pausing for a self check, not recognizing we are out of balance, psychic imbalance
Guidance: Embrace the chaos, live in love, take time to balance your energy
Journaling:
Interesting card as I could read this many ways. I could read it as being out of balance and listening to other people instead of myself. I could also read it as a perversion of justice and things that should happen, not flowing they way they should. I think i'm just going to sit with it and see what happens.
January 25, 2018 Update
This card is again a warning that I'm out of balance. This week was physically rough as I got pulled in multiple directions for OCM and had to be responsive even though I had no extra time. I am mindful of people pulling my consultants in multiple directions, but there is no one who does that for me. I'm left to my own devices with people continually tugging on me. The problem is that it it really isn't a lot of work, but the distractions make me lose focus.
On the plus side, I've been getting better about managing my own energy needs and saying no to things that are just energy sucks. It isn't always easy, but I'm doing it.
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Deck: Herbal Tarot
First Impressions: Balance
Book: Emerging from darkness and confusion, unqualified search for truth, internal need for equilibrium
Guidance: Become in harmony with laws of nature, obtaining balance, time for work and action, create one's own journey
Affirmation: I create my own joy
Journaling
Interesting card to pull as I'm struggling with my inner darkness and emptiness. I want to be happy but that's hard to do when I'm lonely and I don't just want random people in my life. I want meaningful relationships.
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